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Thread: Epic Feats of Bad Writing

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    Tawaci ki a Gnaska ki Osito Polar's Avatar
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    Epic Feats of Bad Writing

    This thread is for posting examples of terrible writing. This can be any kind of bad writing you can think of.

    For inspiration, this is from The Eye of Argon

    Quote Originally Posted by Jim Thiels
    As Grignr lifted the girl from the altar, her arms wound
    dexterously about his neck; soft and smooth against his harsh
    exterior. "Art thou pleased that we have chanced to meet once
    again?" Grignr merely voiced an sighed grunt, returning the
    damsels embrace while he smothered her trim, delicate lips
    between the coarsing protrusions of his reeking maw.
    "Let us take leave of this retched chamber." Stated Grignr
    as he placed the female upon her feet. She swooned a moment,
    causing Grignr to giver her support then regained her stance.
    "Art thou able to find your way through the accursed passages of
    this castle? Mrifk! Every one of the corridors of this damned
    place are identical."
    "Aye; I was at one time a slave of prince Agaphim. His
    clammy touch sent a sour swill through my belly, but my efforts
    reaped a harvest. I gained the pig's liking whereby he allowed
    me the freedom of the palace. It was through this means that I
    eventually managed escape at the western gate. His trust found
    him with a dagger thrust his ribs," the wench stated
    whimsicoracally.
    "I don't have psychological problems." --Madrigal

    "When you write about shooting Polemarch in the head, that's more like a first-person view, like you're there looking down the sight of the gun." --Utisz

    David Wong, regarding Chicago
    Six centuries ago, the pre-Colombian natives who settled here named this region with a word which in their language means "the Mouth of Shadow". Later, the Iroquois who showed up and inexplicably slaughtered every man, woman and child renamed it "Seriously, Fuck that Place". When French explorer Jacques Marquette passed through the area he marked his map with a drawing of a brownish blob emerging from between the Devil's buttocks.

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    Minister of Love Roger Mexico's Avatar
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    Man, don't remind me--I'm about to have a stack of 10th-graders' research papers to get through this weekend.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ptah View Post
    No history, no exposition, no anecdote or argument changes the invariant: we are all human beings, and some humans are idiots.

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    <3 gator's Avatar
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    I'd like to post every single article from the local newspaper in the town where I work but that would be mean.

    Also, there's a local poets' group that writes and posts stuff that's barely recognizeable as English, and a local literary festival with the clunkiest and most unengaging copy on their website ever. Every time I look at it I'm like... really?

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    Meae Musae Servus Hephaestus's Avatar
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    Can we take this as a personal challenge?

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    Tawaci ki a Gnaska ki Osito Polar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hephaestus View Post
    Can we take this as a personal challenge?
    Yes, you may. In the spirit of Eye of Argon I challenge you to write stilted dialogue in faux archaic English.
    "I don't have psychological problems." --Madrigal

    "When you write about shooting Polemarch in the head, that's more like a first-person view, like you're there looking down the sight of the gun." --Utisz

    David Wong, regarding Chicago
    Six centuries ago, the pre-Colombian natives who settled here named this region with a word which in their language means "the Mouth of Shadow". Later, the Iroquois who showed up and inexplicably slaughtered every man, woman and child renamed it "Seriously, Fuck that Place". When French explorer Jacques Marquette passed through the area he marked his map with a drawing of a brownish blob emerging from between the Devil's buttocks.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Osito Polar View Post
    Yes, you may. In the spirit of Eye of Argon I challenge you to write stilted dialogue in faux archaic English.
    "Wench", he said stolidly, "thou art like unto a great pile of beautiful things, stacked beautifully, and thou eyes art like big glowing orbs."

    "Oh!" She belched. "Such words bequeath me unto thy will."

  7. #7
    Now we know... Asteroids Champion ACow's Avatar
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    How anyone can call "bad" something that contains the phrase "the wench stated whimsicoracally" is beyond me...

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    Tawaci ki a Gnaska ki Osito Polar's Avatar
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    Oh, well then you might enjoy reading the whole thing.

    http://www.ansible.co.uk/misc/eyeargon.html

    And I've never tried to read any of the Gor books but I've heard they're full of really awful prose.

    Here's a parody -- http://www.rdrop.com/~wyvern/data/houseplants.html

    And a sentence from one of the books where he starts a sentence with not one but three adverbs:

    "Accordingly, slowly and calmly, I set about tending the fire, opened a can of chili, and set up sticks to hold the tiny cooking pot over the fire."
    "I don't have psychological problems." --Madrigal

    "When you write about shooting Polemarch in the head, that's more like a first-person view, like you're there looking down the sight of the gun." --Utisz

    David Wong, regarding Chicago
    Six centuries ago, the pre-Colombian natives who settled here named this region with a word which in their language means "the Mouth of Shadow". Later, the Iroquois who showed up and inexplicably slaughtered every man, woman and child renamed it "Seriously, Fuck that Place". When French explorer Jacques Marquette passed through the area he marked his map with a drawing of a brownish blob emerging from between the Devil's buttocks.

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    schlemiel Faust's Avatar
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    The old entries are gold - http://writebadlywell.blogspot.ca/

    Learn about syllepsis, then refuse to stop employing it

    Joe Stockley was in an expensive sports car and deep trouble. This time, he had really let his mouth and his exotic foreign lover run away with him and it was getting beyond a joke and his immediate circle of friends in the form of rumours and speculation.
    As he ran a red light, the conversation back in his mind and away from his troubles, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of rising panic and the soft matte finish of his hand-stitched leather steering wheel. Angelica had been absolutely right and his wife for fifteen years, so why was he running scared, these kind of risks and this deadly gauntlet of illicit entanglements?

  10. #10
    Tawaci ki a Gnaska ki Osito Polar's Avatar
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    Oh, some of those really are quite good.

    Any baggage left unattended will be removed
    and destroyed, no matter how unlikely it is that
    fanatical terrorists waging a holy war against
    Western civilization would conceal an explosive
    device in a bright pink Miffy rucksack.

    There are a number of problems with this, not the least of which is that Miffy rucksacks don't come in pink.
    "I don't have psychological problems." --Madrigal

    "When you write about shooting Polemarch in the head, that's more like a first-person view, like you're there looking down the sight of the gun." --Utisz

    David Wong, regarding Chicago
    Six centuries ago, the pre-Colombian natives who settled here named this region with a word which in their language means "the Mouth of Shadow". Later, the Iroquois who showed up and inexplicably slaughtered every man, woman and child renamed it "Seriously, Fuck that Place". When French explorer Jacques Marquette passed through the area he marked his map with a drawing of a brownish blob emerging from between the Devil's buttocks.

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