Unforgivable American Sins!

[ACow]

Some more observations from my recent trip:

- Pennies. Get rid of them. Also, your coinage is generally designed by a retard. Dimes, nickels. What the fuck are those and why is one bigger than another? And all your notes look fucking the same!

- Tipping culture.

- The way you don't include tax in the fucking price of things.

- The proportion of your population in prison.

- Homelessness and poverty: Ok, in our country its basically acknowledged that the mentally ill will end up in jail where we will mistreat them and generally get them out of the way of good upstanding citizens, but...you've got shitloads of people all over the place on the streets, your homeless look less healthy than our homeless, and its pretty clear that despite having half your population in jail, you STILL have homeless, poor crazy people everywhere. And half of them have gangrenous limbs! What gives?!

- You made this:



- Flags. Fucking. Everywhere. What the? If some guy went around talking about his dick that much we'd say he might just be slightly insecure. Don't get me wrong, your dick is huge, but if that's ALL you ever talk about, you're going to get traded in for another model...

- Morbidly obese people in customer facing roles (lose the customer...)

[skip]

Where are you from?

Edit: nm, Australia, I get it now.

[Sappho]

What about flags? There's nothing wrong with patriotism.

[ACow]

Where are you from?

Edit: nm, Australia, I get it now.

Let me help you out:

straya cunt.

[ferrus]

There is something a bit... weird about American patriotism though. It's kind of feels like a cult. Which is probably why so many weird cults are actually American.

[msg_v2]

- Tipping culture.

Restaurant workers are allowed to be paid less than minimum wage for some reason. Which still belongs in this category.

-401ks.

-Loyalty Day. No one celebrates or knows it exists, but nonetheless, it exists. (Google it.)

-Michael Bay.

-car culture. People look at you weird if you turn down a ride for a 15 minute walk. Maybe that's just because the guy was trying to molest me as a 28-year-old, though.

-boring paper money. (seconding that)

-nickels contain no nickel. Canadian nickels, though....

-McDonalds.

[ACow]

What about flags? There's nothing wrong with patriotism.

Lets just agree to disagree on the second half of that sentence.

But even if that is the case, i feel I've made my point quite aptly in my analogy, which i will now continue:

First time you meet...

Everyone else: Hey america!

America: Hey everyone else! I've got a big dick!

Everyone else: Ok. Um...can we see it?

America: My big dick?

Everyone else: Yeah...

America: Sure... *unzips*

Everyone else: Fuck me, that's pretty big.

America: Told you I had a big dick.

3 days later

Everyone else gets out of bed and goes to get some cereal.

Everyone else: America, where's the cereal?

America: On my big dick.

Everyone else: You...wait...you cut a hole in the cereal box and shoved your dick inside just for this moment?

America: Yep.

Everyone else: Forget it, i'm having toast.

America: Did you know you could wrap toast around my big dick?

Everyone else: ...

America: Do you want some jam?

Everyone else: well finally, we can talk about something else...

America: Because jam is sticky like the stuff that comes out of my big dick when i jammed your mum with my big dick.

Everyone else: Fuck me, why the hell did we agree to let you be our room-mate in the first place?

America: Its probably because I had a big dick.

Everyone else: Screw this. I'm going to work and i'll just pick something up on the way.

America: Do you want to screw it with my big dick?

[msg_v2]

Hot dogs.


This video was supposed to have a reference to hot dogs, but I like Jeff Goldblum better:




This is the hotdog bit:

Harry Caray: Hey everybody, Harry Caray here! Well, as you know, 1997 was quite a year! A lot of things happened: some good, some bad. Mother Teresa died. That wasn't good. Unless you hated Mother Teresa. I, myself, was not a fan of hers, don't ask why! We were like oil and water; we didn't mix. In the world of sports, Mike Tyson bit a man's ear off. I don't know what all the hoopla was about. I've actually bit a man's ear off on several occasions! And I'm not proud of it, but it helped me out of many a jam! In Scotland, they cloned a sheep, which a lot of people thought was fun....Hey, what if...hey!...Hey! If I was a scientist, you know what I would clone? Hot dogs!

Colin: [not surprised] Really?

Harry: Think of all the possibilities, Norm! [Colin starts laughing to himself] Imagine, a world with...[doesn't realize that Colin is now the anchor] Hey, what's going on? [some applause]...Imagine...hold on! Imagine a world, uh...of - with an endless supply of hot dogs! You could have a hot dog anytime you wanted!

Colin: Well, Harry, you can do that pretty much now.

Harry: They'd be so abundant, they'd become our currency! 20 hot dogs would equal roughly a nickel. Depending on the strength of the yen, I'm not quite sure, but...you know what, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's just keep praying that we can clone one of these hot dogs.

Colin: [sighs] All right, Harry. What else happened in '97?

Harry: Hey, Norm! Did you gain weight?

Colin: Actually, Harry, I'm Colin.

Harry: Hey! If you were a hot dog...and you were starving, would you eat yourself?

Colin: What?

Harry: I know I would! First, I'd smother myself with brown mustard and relish. I'd be so delicious!...So would you?

Colin: I don't know.

Harry: Don't jerk me around, Norm! It's a simple question! A baby could answer it! If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself? [some applause and cheers]

[skip]

Let me help you out:

straya cunt.

So... Australia is filled with bad Photoshopping?

[Thevenin]

You're generalizing about the most diverse country in the world.

I hope you at least enjoyed yourself, somewhat. It was an awful lot of money to spend when all you have to say, it seems, is negative.