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Thread: How do I handle my ESTJ mother in this situation?

  1. #1
    Faster. Than. Ever. Sloth's Avatar
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    How do I handle my ESTJ mother in this situation?

    Don't get me wrong, I love my momma. My father was an INTP, so she's very much an INTP's ESTJ... however....

    Even though I'm in my mid 20s, she always reminds me to pay bills on time and things like that (often helpful, annoying, but helpful because I forget little things)

    Almost 6 months ago I got into a car accident and it was my fault, the woman (who actually hit me, but she had the right of way so it's my fault) got scratches on her car while mine was immobilized. Since it was my fault I had to pay for everything. She's gotten more repairs for her car than I had to, and half a year later is still finding damage out of no where and her insurance is suddenly adding another 2 grand on top of the 6 I've paid out.

    So it's lawyer time.

    My ESTJ mother is losing her mind and blowing up my phone with nuances in laws she's finding and WON'T STOP. She's filling me with so much artificial and unnecessary anxiety and I'm out of answers on this one. I can usually handle her but she's out of control.

    Like I said I'm in the process of getting a lawyer, which she claims is easing her mind. What else can I do?

  2. #2
    Member El D.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sloth View Post
    Don't get me wrong, I love my momma. My father was an INTP, so she's very much an INTP's ESTJ... however....

    Even though I'm in my mid 20s, she always reminds me to pay bills on time and things like that (often helpful, annoying, but helpful because I forget little things)

    Almost 6 months ago I got into a car accident and it was my fault, the woman (who actually hit me, but she had the right of way so it's my fault) got scratches on her car while mine was immobilized. Since it was my fault I had to pay for everything. She's gotten more repairs for her car than I had to, and half a year later is still finding damage out of no where and her insurance is suddenly adding another 2 grand on top of the 6 I've paid out.

    So it's lawyer time.

    My ESTJ mother is losing her mind and blowing up my phone with nuances in laws she's finding and WON'T STOP. She's filling me with so much artificial and unnecessary anxiety and I'm out of answers on this one. I can usually handle her but she's out of control.

    Like I said I'm in the process of getting a lawyer, which she claims is easing her mind. What else can I do?
    My mom does stuff like this too. I usually just tell her the truth, which is that she is adding to my stress by worrying too much about things that we cant possibly predict or control. Sometimes she wont stop and it turns into a long, drawn out argument wherein she throws every possible negative outcome no matter how slight, and I bat them down one at a time justifying how they wouldnt be so bad, and this is how we discuss strategy for dealing major life decisions. I had about 20 of these conversations during the 6 months I was preparing to leave the east coast, and I think I even made her cry once or twice. That killed me back then, but now she tells me she worries that it might be a mistake when I mention I might want to move back east. Funny, you can never win I guess.

  3. #3
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    My mom (though she's ISFJ-ish) gets into similar states. She would drive me to tears regularly with her flights of worry. So I can kind of empathize :/

    sounds weird, but maybe you could try writing to her. Make a bullet list or chart of all the info you have, all the info you're in the process of getting, and/or a schedule showing the process you're going to go through, and then send it to her. This might prove that you're in control and if she feels the need to remind you about something, she can first refer to the list to see if you're already dealing with or planning to deal with it. This organization might even help you too. On top of that (though you've probably already tried this in various iterations) explain that you understand why she's stressed, and that you think she has every reason to be stressed, but she's also stressing you out even more than you already are and you'll be able to focus better on resolving this situation without her help (but phrased tactfully). Then again, I don't know the details of your situation, so I'm not sure if any of this would work. good luck though. Moms

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    fhtagn Rhu's Avatar
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    Politely tell her that you're very busy during the week. So busy that explaining why you're so busy will only make you busier. And, while you appreciate the effort that she's going to, that she's flooding you with so much information that you can't keep track of it, let alone review it all.

    Suggest instead that maybe she work on doing her research over the course of the week. On Saturday afternoon or something, she can take her week's compiled data, lovingly organize it into an easy-to-read outline (hyperlinks would be awesome, mom!), and send it to you in an email.

    She'll expect a response, of course, but you don't have to actually read and research the entire outline provided. Just pick out one detail, mention someone else's online opinion that you found on the topic via a quick google search, and say, "I'll bring that up with my lawyer, thanks!"

  5. #5
    Faster. Than. Ever. Sloth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dot View Post
    Moms
    SJ moms to boot. In many ways she's all I have, and she's helped me develop a higher degree of patience for SJ's than I suspect the average INTP has. She's a sweet woman, but sometimes, my GOD.

    I spoke very honestly with her saying that I understand she's just trying to help but we have to take it one step at a time because it's too complicated and messy to approach it otherwise. Next step is lawyer.

    She's not a lawyer (though she probably would have made a good one) she's a retired psychologist. Oy!

  6. #6
    chaotic neutral shitpost jigglypuff's Avatar
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    idk about yours but i've "helped" with my own parents' neurotic worrying by trying my best to assure them that, yes, i have it taken care of, showing them the proof, showing them i'm handling it, saying if i need their help i'll ask. and very rarely do i ask. it's an aspect of our relationship that took a lot of time and work to improve. once in a while, it flares up again, and if i can't handle it i just get out of their way til they're not as stressed out about something going on in their own lives. i try to always have something occupying my time, some project or some work that they can respect. most of the time now, they leave me alone... to the point where, even though we're living in the same house, i barely see them anymore.

    i haven't had any major accidents or serious adult fuckups yet, so i can't say how they'll react to that.
    the clouds in the sky caress my mind so tenderly

  7. #7
    Faster. Than. Ever. Sloth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tele View Post
    idk about yours but i've "helped" with my own parents' neurotic worrying by trying my best to assure them that, yes, i have it taken care of, showing them the proof, showing them i'm handling it, saying if i need their help i'll ask. and very rarely do i ask. it's an aspect of our relationship that took a lot of time and work to improve. once in a while, it flares up again, and if i can't handle it i just get out of their way til they're not as stressed out about something going on in their own lives. i try to always have something occupying my time, some project or some work that they can respect. most of the time now, they leave me alone... to the point where, even though we're living in the same house, i barely see them anymore.

    i haven't had any major accidents or serious adult fuckups yet, so i can't say how they'll react to that.
    Yeah it's hard to convince her of that because she knows I'm not detail oriented. It's moments like these where I miss my dad the most. He was the only person that could calm her, I have no idea how he was able to do it so consistently.

    It'll be ok though, I'm really thankful that I have a mom so willing to support me in this difficult situation, even if she's being annoying about it.

  8. #8
    Your Huckleberry lethe's Avatar
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    I have to agree with Rhu.

    It's kind of like that tactic to limit worry-some thoughts where it's suggested that you designate a specific time during the day to worry about things (like an hour after dinner). Any time those thoughts come up during the day you can push them off by saying, "I will think about that at X time." Then, when X time is over you purposely put the thoughts away and think about something else/move on. This way you address the issues instead of blowing them off, but they don't overrun your day.

    You can do the same with your mom. Obviously there is information she wants you to have, and she doesn't want to be blown off. If you give her a set time to sit down and give her your full attention, she won't need to hammer at you all week long. If she tries to give info/advice during non-designated times you can easily cut her off and remind her to bring it up at the "meeting". Maybe say something smooth like, "This information sounds really important, I want to make sure I can give it my full attention. With all that's going on right at this moment, I'm not sure I can remember it all. Will you write this all down and bring it when we meet at X time?"
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