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Thread: When Hair Met Salad

  1. #1
    Merry Christmas Blorg's Avatar
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    When Hair Met Salad

    I was in a restaurant yesterday, and within the first few bites of my pancake I got a hair stuck between my teeth, which caused a lot of social awkwardness and subsequently cast a dark cloud over the whole day. The rule is, hair and food can't stay apart: they will inevitably unite in the mouth.

    The drain in my bathtub is basically always clogged with hair after every shower, so I suspect that it darkly echoes the state of my intestines. What happens if the clogging becomes excessive? I'd starve, or the chemicals would build up in my stomach and eat through the lining, probably really slowly, til there's all types of hemorrhaging, in the same way that my bathtub would overflow if I didn't bother to remove the hair from the drain all the time, which I can't easily do to my intestines. So I would die. Here's an analogy: leopard seals die from starvation on a regular basis. The reason is that their teeth degrade due to the pressures of Antarctic life. They use their teeth to shave at the edges of holes in the ice, keeping them open so that no one suffocates. What they don't realize is that, by ensuring short-term survival, they are ruining the tools that they need for long-term survival. Because, without teeth, they can't eat penguins. This is like my situation in reverse. I eat, and therefore ensure short-term survival, but my insecure hair is preventing me from surviving long-term. And then there's the ethical/moral/philosophical aspect. I'm basically cannibalizing myself. You're not supposed to eat your hair any more than you're supposed to eat your skin. It's morally repugnant. I think of all the people who might have accidentally eaten my hair as well, since on special occasions like Christmas (but not this time) I sometimes cook for people. I wonder how many of them have been my hair's prey, and how much their opinions of me would change if only they knew. Some people are really (and validly) concerned about hygiene. Are you concerned about the possibility of finding hair in your food? (I assume that most people are-- there must be horror stories.)

    Everything/everyone would be better, simpler, and healthier without hair. It's unnecessary and stressful for so many reasons.







  2. #2
    Tawaci ki a Gnaska ki Osito Polar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chobani View Post
    I was in a restaurant yesterday, and within the first few bites of my pancake I got a hair stuck between my teeth, which caused a lot of social awkwardness and subsequently cast a dark cloud over the whole day.
    Whoa whoa whoa

    Hold the phone.

    Was it a short and curly hair?

    Was it one of your hairs?

    Was it one of your dining companions hairs?

    These details are crucial to the impact of the story.

    If you're wondering what a hairball in your stomach/intestine might look like:
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/1...n_1933134.html
    WARNING: GROSS
    "I don't have psychological problems." --Madrigal

    "When you write about shooting Polemarch in the head, that's more like a first-person view, like you're there looking down the sight of the gun." --Utisz

    David Wong, regarding Chicago
    Six centuries ago, the pre-Colombian natives who settled here named this region with a word which in their language means "the Mouth of Shadow". Later, the Iroquois who showed up and inexplicably slaughtered every man, woman and child renamed it "Seriously, Fuck that Place". When French explorer Jacques Marquette passed through the area he marked his map with a drawing of a brownish blob emerging from between the Devil's buttocks.

  3. #3
    Merry Christmas Blorg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Osito Polar View Post
    Whoa whoa whoa

    Hold the phone.

    Was it a short and curly hair?

    Was it one of your hairs?

    Was it one of your dining companions hairs?

    These details are crucial to the impact of the story.
    I hope it was mine...

    If you're wondering what a hairball in your stomach/intestine might look like:
    I'm not wondering!

  4. #4
    ..you don't know me LordLatch's Avatar
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    Someone I used to know, once got hair in her mouth and it became tied around a taste bud- that could happen with the villi also.


    The same girl also got a drinking straw suck in her eye between it and her eyelid. When I think about her, I imagine she has had an interesting life.

  5. #5
    Sysop Ptah's Avatar
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    For this, I think, it is time to break out with some new smilies

    first,



    second,



    finally -- not quite a smilie --

    Spoiler: wait for it



  6. #6
    igKnight Hephaestus's Avatar
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    New animal charity: implants for leopard seals. Thank you for this consciousness raising post. If I'd slightly more ambition I'd seek Kickstarter funding. Hopefully someone who is a better human than me will press forward with this much needed assistance to the leopard seals. I lieu of designing said implants and founding a program to install them and provide the necessary training in how to use them, I will try to be more wasteful in my energy habits so as to reduce the amount of ice they have to chew through and can thus live longer lives in pursuit of our mutual enemy: penguins.
    --Mention of these things is so taboo, they aren't even allowed a name for the prohibition. It is just not done.

  7. #7
    ..you don't know me LordLatch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ptah View Post
    finally -- not quite a smilie
    Waddya mean? This is exactly how I smile.

  8. #8
    creator kali's Avatar
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    A middle-aged woman complained that there was a hair in her baked good, and was quite rude about it, as if we had plotted to carefully implant and cook a single strand of hair into her muffin in preparation for her arrival.

    And then I thought, "this woman has sucked dick before. statistically speaking, she must have sucked a dude's dick before. maybe more than three dudes' dicks. maybe even more. she has tongued over some guy's area of excretion and probably loved it. she has probably licked up remnant urine mixed with precum. she has probably picked a few pubes from this her mouth and giggled about it. but now she is wasting energy complaining and making other people miserable. okay suck a bag of pubes"
    "I fucking hate the cold!" - Wim Hof

    art and flowers: https://www.instagram.com/cloudlilt/

  9. #9
    eyeing you rabbit warrior kitsune's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ptah View Post

    Is this a drawing of Chad A Solloway's former avatar photo?

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Osito Polar View Post
    If you're wondering what a hairball in your stomach/intestine might look like:
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/1...n_1933134.html
    WARNING: GROSS
    What's worse to me is that it's common enough that it has a word: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichobezoar

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