INTP-ENFJ: Rise and Fall of a Long Term Relationship

**Ptah** · 01-09-2015, 10:37 PM

This will be a thread in which I will talk about -- and welcome any questions about/discussion around -- my experience as an INTP male who was married to an ENFJ female for 14 years. Everything from how we met to how we ultimately fell apart (divorce), all from the perspective of/with respect to our personality types, if/as may be relevant. As might explore the strengths and weaknesses of the INTP-ENFJ dynamic in the context of a long-term relationship.

I thought this might be worth exploring given how David Keirsey, in his book Please Understand Me II, suggested that INTPs and ENFJs are most apt to be attracted to and be compatible with one another? In any case, I could certainly share quite a bit of perspective on how I found that to be true, and now on the other side of the relationship, where I think there are shadowed weaknesses (again, from a personality type perspective).

As I gather my thoughts on where to begin, I welcome any questions, as might prompt such exploration.

**notdavidlynch** · 01-09-2015, 10:46 PM

Something I'd like to know is: Why were you married in the first place? You don't seem like a religious person at all.

Were there tax or other benefits? Is this a reason that you thought about getting married, or were you more or less just going through the motions of what you thought was normal, socially appropriate behavior? Did you buy a ring? Did you have a ceremony?

My current thoughts on love & marriage can probably best be summed up by Kanye on "No Church In The Wild".

**msg_v2** · 01-09-2015, 10:47 PM

This will probably be highly insensitive, but were the issues you had more related to Thinking vs. Feeling or Introversion vs. Extroversion? Potentially, I realize it might be a minefield, but I am curious.

**Sloth** · 01-09-2015, 10:57 PM

I'm looking forward to seeing how this thread progresses. I've developed a crush on pretty much every confirmed ENFJ I've ever met (haven't ever landed one though).

**jigglypuff** · 01-09-2015, 11:02 PM

feel free to ignore: what were the fights like/about?

intp & enfj is some of the strongest personality clash i've ever encountered (but enfj seeks out reconciliation eventually ime).

**gator** · 01-09-2015, 11:19 PM

I've had really good working relationships with ENFJ managers and an occasionally rocky relationship with an ENFJ sister, but I couldn't ever imagine being happily married to one.

**Sloth** · 01-09-2015, 11:37 PM

Originally Posted by tele

intp & enfj is some of the strongest personality clash i've ever encountered (but enfj seeks out reconciliation eventually ime).

Maybe you've met some poorly developed ones, they've always made me feel super loved and appreciated (even when in reality they feel relatively indifferent towards me). In theory they can help us develop our Fe and we can help them develop their Ti.

I've mostly known them in professional capacities (that I'm aware of, and also probably why I've never landed one, I won't pursue someone I work with unless they give me some sort of signal first). I'm currently working with an ENFJ director (2nd ENFJ director I've worked with) we compliment each other pretty well. They hire me on to basically make sure the imaginary world they're pulling out of their ass is logical to itself enough to not take people out of the story. So I get my Ti kicks with them that way. They also make sure everyone who works for them feels appreciated, that's super important to them.

When we have non-work related conversations, however, I've often hit some road blocks in conversations with them. We will eventually run into a wall where we find what the other wants to talk about to be boring (but they're always super sweet about it, and I... am consciously patient about it but I know I can come off as crass when I'm bored).

**jigglypuff** · 01-09-2015, 11:40 PM

Originally Posted by Sloth

Maybe you've met some poorly developed ones, they've always made me feel super loved and appreciated (even when in reality they feel relatively indifferent towards me). In theory they can help us develop our Fe and we can help them develop their Ti.

I've mostly known them in professional capacities (that I'm aware of, and also probably why I've never landed one, I won't pursue someone I work with unless they give me some sort of signal first). I'm currently working with an ENFJ director (2nd ENFJ director I've worked with) we compliment each other pretty well. They hire me on to basically make sure the imaginary world they're pulling out of their ass is logical to itself enough to not take people out of the story. So I get my Ti kicks with them that way. They also make sure everyone who works for them feels appreciated, that's super important to them.

When we have non-work related conversations, however, I've often hit some road blocks in conversations with them. We will eventually run into a wall where we find what the other wants to talk about to be boring (but they're always super sweet about it. As a grown up I appreciate people who are nice to me even if I find what they like to talk about to be boring).

yeah, i'm sure in work settings they're great, but i haven't had that privilege (haha...).

i have a cousin who i'd guess is enfj and, as children, her shtick was embarrassing me with stupid remarks and questions and basking in the glory of being the non-socially-inept child who was supposed to be an "example" for me. this dynamic transcends type, for sure, but goddamn. the other one was a teacher. eventually she called me into her office to talk about it, and she's a good person and everything who saw my intelligence so it was hard to stay bitter about that sort of thing. (her suggestion to me was to not fall back on my wit, and try to grow to express myself more personally.)

**Spartan26** · 01-10-2015, 12:19 AM

Really sorry to hear about the divorce. Maybe you've brought it up elsewhere but how recent is this development? I ask cuz 1) is there a chance at reconciliation? 2) are you at a point to really hear things now?

I'm not sure I know all the characteristics of the ENFJ. It's not a type I dated or hung out with too frequently. Probably a huge lack of trust on my part.

I hope you don't mind me asking but what did she say were the main reasons? Unwillingness to change? Inflexible? Needing to be right over things that don't matter? She wanted to make a bigger deal over things you didn't think mattered? Difference of priorities?

**Ruby_Bookrose** · 01-10-2015, 12:24 AM

I am a female that was married to an ENTJ male for almost 11 years. I think part of our problem was that my world was small in a lot of ways (in terms of those I wanted to interact with most of the time). He needed a wider social group. I was attracted to his sociability and that he always seemed to know what to do (decisive) - probably balancing out some of my weaknesses.