[Article] Why Men Can't Take Compliments

[Mxx]

Why Men Can't Take Compliments

Some nuggets that I found interesting:

[...]compliments from men were generally accepted, especially by female recipients, but "compliments from women are met with a response type other than acceptance": as a threat.

Men often see compliments as "face-threatening acts," or acts intended to embarrass or patronize, the study authors found. What was meant as a nicety could be seen as a way to assert control.

college-aged men were generally given compliments on skills, while women were given compliments on their looks.

While I do believe that there are those who give compliments as a genuine expression of positive assessment (which I genuinely appreciate), I often interpret compliments (to myself or observing those given to others) as acts of manipulation. From the relatively innocuous but annoying compliment given to trigger a kindly exchange of words or a smile (to which I usually respond with impassive silence), to the sleazy stroking of ego as a means to get what one wants (to which I usually respond with contempt), or the empty words of those who bestow the same amount of praise on a person who performs a menial task as on a person whose actions or results are truly deserving of admiration (everyone gets a trophy!).

I do like to think that the compliments I give to people are indeed genuine.

Anyhow, the statement about men seeing compliments as "face-threatening acts" reminded me of the scene in Goodfellas "I'm funny how?"

[MoneyJungle]

Great article mxx! You're an amazing forum member! And don't forget pretty!

[Mxx]

La madre que te parió.

[MoneyJungle]

I'll take that as a compliment.

[OrionzRevenge]

Yeah, I don't know about all this. The article is a week, and a half old and of the five links to studies in the piece, the first and last are broke.
The second gives to a Google Book picture, the third gives you a listing of research papers at the end of some other book in Google search.

Only the forth actually takes to a A very lavender place called Women & Language where the 2006 paper about audio recording and applying, hopefully, objective analysis was conducted by:

Peter Wogan is an Associate Professor of Anthropology at
Willamette University. He can be
reached at pwogan@willamette.edu.

Christopher Parisi was a sophomore in Peter’s fall 2002
“Language and Culture” class, and he
spent the next semester analyzing the class data and writing this article with Peter.

I'm not overflowing with confidence that men need to guard themselves about being guarded. What I think the clip from Good Fellows illustrates well is human males have evolved a sensibility that people often say (with body or words) one thing while doing another. Just like the kowtowing and smiling club owner.

Sincerity will most often eventually, if not instantly, shine through. If that's not good enough for you, then there was strings attached to it from the get-go.

[Mxx]

It's just an article posted in The Atlantic, that I think contains interesting concepts to nibble on: The compliment as a threat, the compliment as face-threatening act, the compliment as an assertion of power, complimenting skills vs complimenting looks.

But nitpick away, if that's what gets your creative juices flowing.

[OrionzRevenge]

^^^Yeah, well any article in a supposedly reputable mag making an argument based on research should, one would think, be able to withstand a cursory attack of its sources by someone as dull as I.

Fact is I smelled BS, and I've grown accustomed to not trusting things at face value... because of just this sort of thing.
If you want to call critical review of supposed research nitpicking... Well, I'm just a chimp looking for a friend to glean off of.

Thanks for lunch
I'll call ya!

[starla]

I'm with OzR. A lot of the sources quoted were books. I could go write a book; that doesn't make anything in it true.

[Jimothy]

Sometimes compliments are used to cajole others. Sometimes they are genuine and respectful.

Lots of people take compliments poorly. They might be insecure or have an extreme sense of modesty. But the compliment is not dependent upon the person receiving it. It's an expression of respect and admiration from the giver. To ignore or play off a genuine compliment invalidates the opinion of the person giving it. The best response is to give thanks in return, and a smile if you feel it. Even when the compliment is manipulative, accepting it respectfully is a pretty safe approach.

[kari]

How weak is the dude who is emasculated by a compliment?

That's why I dislike guys excessively preoccupied with power and control and dominance and all those traits associated with masculinity... they are always the most insecure of all.