Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 39

Thread: Expressing Anger

  1. #21
    The Pompatus of Love C.J.Woolf's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    IAD
    Posts
    2,128
    Quote Originally Posted by Polemarch View Post
    My advice is to stay the fuck away from anyone who can't use their words, or anyone who can't think abstractly about a problem. That will drastically narrow the pool of people you can associate with, but whatever.
    That statement would have pre-empted many a relationship clusterfuck thread on INTPc had it been in the FAQ. (Never mind that nobody reads the FAQ.)
    Your gardening sucks and your avocados ain't fruitin'. -- Sappho the Maestro

  2. #22
    a cantori Perdix's Avatar
    Type
    INTj
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    the deep end
    Posts
    2,436
    The only thing I get "angry" at is irrationality, and I've isolated myself from most irrationality in life.

  3. #23
    Now we know... Asteroids Champion ACow's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    2,274
    Quote Originally Posted by Sappho View Post
    I could not agree more. What always struck me as bizarre is how much serenity stokes already-enraged people's ire. Each and every time I wonder, "Shouldn't they be glad someone is keeping a cool head and actually trying to solve the problem?" They rarely are, and what usually ensues are the standard accusations of "Look at you, you're so cold", "You're behaving like a robot", "Show feelings already", and so on. Apparently insults are an acceptable SJ procedure while rationally explaining things is considered "fighting back".

    /rant
    My mother hated me because I wasn't angry enough, excited enough, or depressed enough at the times she deemed such displays appropriate. Explain ing things or looking at it from a position of cool-headedness as an asset does not work with such people, and if anything makes them hate you more, because they take it as implied superiority to them.

    Of course, I would say there's nothing implied about it. It is de facto.

    Strangely considering my background, I remember being spanked once for asking too many questions.

    In short, my experience of whether those work probably aligns with @tele. And I'm getting kinda angry thinking about it too.

    Honestly though, I've found the only solution to be to limit contact with such people in my life.

    /good times

  4. #24
    know nothing pensive_pilgrim's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    4,059
    I don't like the avoidance strategy. If I'm upset about something and trying to express that to someone and they just refuse to listen or try to understand, writing me off as "irrational" (as if being rational means having no emotions ) just seems disrespectful and arrogant, so I don't want to do it to others. Definitely not people I care about. If somebody who matters to me is upset about something, I want to understand why they're upset, even if they may not be doing the best job of expressing it. I have a lot of sympathy for people having difficulty expressing anger, and also a lot of respect for them making the effort. I'd much rather someone be yelling at me than silently seething and badmouthing me to strangers without giving me the opportunity to engage and resolve the issue.

    I think being rational means taking steps to deal with emotion-provoking issues in a healthy, direct way, and using communication to try and preserve important relationships. I think this is something that's more difficult for us thinkers, and doing so often involves going out of our comfort zones. I also think it's worth it most of the time.

    I will acknowledge that it might not always be possible. I think those situations are rare, to be honest. I believe emotional issues are like logical ones - we may not be able to solve them because they're unsolvable, but usually it's because we lack the necessary skills. But if you just stop trying the moment it gets difficult, you're never going to get better. If you try you may meet with limited or no success, but the experience will usually better equip you to deal with similar issues going forward.

  5. #25
    chaotic neutral shitpost
    Type
    xxxx
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    zone 10a
    Posts
    6,577
    Quote Originally Posted by pathogenetic_peripatetic View Post
    I don't like the avoidance strategy. If I'm upset about something and trying to express that to someone and they just refuse to listen or try to understand, writing me off as "irrational" (as if being rational means having no emotions ) just seems disrespectful and arrogant, so I don't want to do it to others. Definitely not people I care about. If somebody who matters to me is upset about something, I want to understand why they're upset, even if they may not be doing the best job of expressing it. I have a lot of sympathy for people having difficulty expressing anger, and also a lot of respect for them making the effort. I'd much rather someone be yelling at me than silently seething and badmouthing me to strangers without giving me the opportunity to engage and resolve the issue.
    totally agreed. and i realize sometimes people have trouble expressing their anger cuz they don't expect you to listen or they don't expect you to be objective and willing to see yourself as part of the problem. (i've been there, and it's really exhausting trying to put into words complex emotional things to a brick, it's weirdly manipulative.)

    the bolded is crucial. at least when somebody's trying, i appreciate that they're giving me a chance to understand them and improve our relationship (whatever that is). i'm usually the one who will try to get somebody to talk when they're obviously upset, or seem emotionally muted in a way that's strange/troubling for the context, but won't share with me what's going on.

    i hate the two-faced bad-mouthing, and i hate being called crazy i feel i'm angry or upset for legitimate reasons. i'm probably too direct for my own good, or whatever, which makes people see me as conflict-seeking (imo, i'm so not) when really they're just kinda repressed and can't have a conversation about feelings. then they blame me later for "not understanding them" and it becomes this thing about me "not having empathy" when i was the one with concerns and the willingness to address problems to begin with.

    again, this is hard to talk about cuz i've been on both sides...
    Last edited by jigglypuff; 02-04-2015 at 09:17 PM.
    I was fine when I came, and fine when I left.

  6. #26
    Senior Member Linnea's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Finland
    Posts
    1,458
    Quote Originally Posted by pathogenetic_peripatetic View Post
    I don't like the avoidance strategy. If I'm upset about something and trying to express that to someone and they just refuse to listen or try to understand, writing me off as "irrational" (as if being rational means having no emotions ) just seems disrespectful and arrogant, so I don't want to do it to others.
    If someone has a legitimate reason to be angry at me then I'll listen and I'll try to do something about it. If someone wants to vent their anger because they had a shitty day and I happen to be the first person they come across they can yell at then no, I don't have to listen to it. My mental health comes first before anyone else's right to go off on a tirade. They can go find someone who's better equipped at dealing with yelling people.

  7. #27
    chaotic neutral shitpost
    Type
    xxxx
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    zone 10a
    Posts
    6,577
    Quote Originally Posted by Linnea View Post
    If someone has a legitimate reason to be angry at me then I'll listen and I'll try to do something about it. If someone wants to vent their anger because they had a shitty day and I happen to be the first person they come across they can yell at then no, I don't have to listen to it. My mental health comes first before anyone else's right to go off on a tirade. They can go find someone who's better equipped at dealing with yelling people.
    yeah, there's always that distinction, whether the anger is "legitimate" or not. what i've found is super important is simply trying to find common ground on what constitutes "legitimate" reasons to be angry/upset (when you're both not upset, of course). it's just crucial to have those sorts of conversations regularly, where you're speaking your mind and disagreeing and coming to solutions, and getting into the habit of respectful and healthy exchanges. if you can't see eye to eye there, there's going to be a lot of emotional shutting down and blowing up and generally a lot of unfairness.

    that "game" of preserving your own mental health, how i hate it. i also can't completely dismiss "bad-mouthing" (which is all a matter of perspective) as it is CRUCIAL you have a healthy, understanding relationship to escape to when somebody is wearing you down. (not saying it's always abuse, but something to keep in mind is that abuse depends on the victim's isolation.)
    I was fine when I came, and fine when I left.

  8. #28
    Perfect is Shit LowIQLogan's Avatar
    Type
    InTP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    420
    I think most people can relate to being on both sides of the angry dynamic. That is, being confrontational or being avoidant. I rarely get angry with strangers as like acow says theres nothing to make me emotionally invested. But with people I do care about I can be quick to yell and get emotional or shut down emotionally and not say anything until I calm down, depending on the person or situation. My dad is very confrontational and when dealing with him I usually (try to) keep calm and detached. My brother is more avoidant than me and will shut down and not talk in extreme ways. My brother is the only person Ive ever actually hit in anger and I try to remember this whenever I am frustrating someone else by shutting down in emotional situations. That not reacting can be a lot for frustrating than anything else. When dealing with angry people who are not my close family or friends its very easy for me to stay calm and reasonabe despite how intimidating they might be physically or authoritatively.

    Trying to calm someone down when they are angry is extremely exhausting and stressful. I avoid relationships with this dynamic and even one instance of it is enough to lose respect for a person.
    "A new immortal appeared in front of you. Would you like preparations of inception?"

    aka HappyNoodleBoy

  9. #29
    Member Ruby_Bookrose's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    weird place...
    Posts
    216
    I've kind of mellowed out with age in terms of what gets me angry (a higher tolerance for bullshit). But if I actually do get mad it's harder for me to get unstuck.

  10. #30
    TJ TeresaJ's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Location
    mosquito-infested hell
    Posts
    2,755
    Quote Originally Posted by pathogenetic_peripatetic View Post
    Just the other day I was at Chipotle (which is mediocre and overpriced but the best of the options I've discovered near campus) and there was a huge line and some guy cut in with friends, right in front of me. I stared at him for the whole rest of the time, silently wishing death, but not saying anything. It ruined my mood for a little bit and I knew I would have felt better if I'd just said "hey man, don't you think you should go to the back of the line?" but I didn't. It's not always easy, but I do think straightforward communication in situations like that is almost always best.
    Something like this happened to me, and it's actually a perfect example of how much I can't handle conflict. I was riding on a bus and one of the passengers was ... I think he was having a loud conversation that was directly and obviously insulting toward another passenger. Whatever it was, the whole event was so traumatic for me that my brain actually blocked out the details.

    Anyway, the second passenger was keeping cool but obviously somewhat upset. I, the witness, was appalled but said nothing. Until we all got off at the same stop, and maybe it was the physicality of moving from one setting to another but, uncharacteristically, I went up to the offender and said "Excuse me." He turned around and smiled like 'Oh an attractive girl wants to talk to me' and I calmly said something like "I just think that you were incredibly rude on the bus" and then, because this was the Pacific Northwest, his warm expression locked into a rigid smile and he said "Thank you for letting me know" and that was it.

    Just that one confrontation with a stranger was so stressful for me, I was shaking for hours afterwards.

    Something about the emotions involved. The unpredictability of the emotional repercussions. I can be very assertive and proactive if I feel that I am operating in a rational plane with rational co-actors. But as soon as different levels of emotions get involved, I'm a wreck.

Similar Threads

  1. Evolutionary role of anger.
    By msg_v2 in forum Psychology & Sociology
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 10-22-2017, 12:54 AM
  2. Expressing Personal Political Opinions on Social Media
    By INTP_Polly in forum News, Culture & History
    Replies: 33
    Last Post: 10-03-2017, 05:59 PM
  3. Projecting Anger and Fear
    By Makers!* in forum Psychology & Sociology
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 06-19-2014, 02:28 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •