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Thread: Female INTP - Male ISFJ

  1. #11
    BIOTCH
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    How can I make this ISFJ male luv me? I don't think we click on a fundamental level but I wish we did. He talks about sensor shit in the moment which gives me a migraine eventually, and i like to talk about Dr. Phil, which gives him a migraine I'm sure. My Ti hurts his Fe on almost every level. I'm a BIOTCH. I can tell on his sensitive little face. On the morning after he was enthused to take me to the diner but I said no and ate alone which was super awkward but I didn't realize it at the time cuz I just wanted alone time, I think he took offense to that YESSSS he prolly did. But who's a better marriage match than an ISfj? no one. I can go into more detail but I'm drunk and eating gluten free, dairy free, soy free, mac and cheese. I think this guy I maybe would have sacrificed my freedom for but that's a tough call. I think it's too late to woo him so I'm just telling my story. He was ruled by his insecurities judging by his actions lol. Sad

  2. #12
    TJ TeresaJ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BIOTCH View Post
    How can I make this ISFJ male luv me? I don't think we click on a fundamental level but I wish we did. He talks about sensor shit in the moment which gives me a migraine eventually, and i like to talk about Dr. Phil, which gives him a migraine I'm sure. My Ti hurts his Fe on almost every level. I'm a BIOTCH. I can tell on his sensitive little face. On the morning after he was enthused to take me to the diner but I said no and ate alone which was super awkward but I didn't realize it at the time cuz I just wanted alone time, I think he took offense to that YESSSS he prolly did. But who's a better marriage match than an ISfj? no one. I can go into more detail but I'm drunk and eating gluten free, dairy free, soy free, mac and cheese. I think this guy I maybe would have sacrificed my freedom for but that's a tough call. I think it's too late to woo him so I'm just telling my story. He was ruled by his insecurities judging by his actions lol. Sad
    1. Are you sure you're an INTP?

    2. I actually totally did the same thing once re: alone time. That did not go over well.

    3. Anyone ruled by insecurities is probably not a good match. :/

  3. #13
    BIOTCH
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    YUH fo sho INTP. I posted that when I was rly durnk. I am durnk again hahahahha. I've been asked this before, "u sure ur INTP?" by an INTJ i only talked to online. yESSSSS. if u knew me IRL u wouldn't question, INTP to the core. I can be very very intense at times (inferior Fe). Are you sure ur INTP?

    I've met a bunch of ISFJs off okcupid. number 1 was pretty cool, we had great conversation but he bitched a little too much (SJ complain game). he was also too thin cuz he was anosmic and ultimately i decided i can't date someone who can't smell. he was also insecure about some drawings he posted on facebook which i saw and his face turned red about it hahahahha. insecurity is a common theme, which is fine as long as its not too much NO BYTCHIZ.

    ISFJ #2 bytched as well, complained about not getting attention cuz he shaved his head bald, obvs was a major insecurity as well as his height. every dude has been at least 1 inch shorter than stated hahahhahaaaa. he complained he didn't know if he was good at dating as well after i questioned his interest. i think many ppl who use online dating have some degree of social ineptness. he was a "writer" but the only good thing about his books was the erotica. the rest of the story was so un believable i LOLed, needed some work in that regard. he was hoping his books would take off but i didn't have the heart to tell him why only family and friends left him reviews. if he was a little less fat and short than he stated....

    ISFJ #3 is the one in my previous post. Overall boring, yet attractive, but he would be better off with an S type so they can do boring S things together haha.

    ISFJ number 4 i could actually have an intellectual conversion with but he was less emotionally warm and wasnt a fan of kids GO FIGYURE hahahahha.

  4. #14
    TJ TeresaJ's Avatar
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    So we did the thing where he suddenly got cold and unresponsive. I thought it was because of certain factors external to our relationship, let's call them X... and it totally was, except that he threw it back onto our relationship and got mad at me for Y. So I was trying to be nice and stay engaged with him, giving him time to get over X and all the while he was resenting me because of Y, Y being (as always) some variant of him not being a big emotional priority for me.

    Finally I got sick of his shit and told him he needed to get over it, it being X, and that's when he actually starting bitching at me over Y.

    The good thing is, we've been through this so many times, we didn't actually *fight*. Things got kind of low, but not nearly as low as they can be. Tepid rather than frigid. ...Tonight I might have shouted some profanities at him, but he registers that as emotional engagement, so it was actually a positive.

    I was already tired today. Now I feel more tired but also relieved. Now that we've unraveled part of Y (it will get knotted up again in the future; that's inevitable) we can start to get down to the real X, which I'm afraid is more severe than I had imagined... it might even be Z.

    /Inadvertent confusion in this post brought to you by Stress and Sleep Deprivation.

  5. #15
    BIOTCH
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    I recommend an ESFP.

  6. #16
    Meae Musae Servus Hephaestus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TeresaJ View Post

    /Inadvertent confusion in this post brought to you by Stress and Sleep Deprivation.
    And the letter 'N'. It's like a 'Z', but it stays up at Night.
    You winsome, you loathsome.
    --Meditations on Uncertainty Vol ξ(x)

  7. #17
    Scala Mountains Resonance's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TeresaJ View Post
    ...Tonight I might have shouted some profanities at him, but he registers that as emotional engagement, so it was actually a positive.
    Is it just me or is this a really, really, extremely bad and scary problem with blaring sirens and red lights flashing everywhere?

    I guess this has been going on for a while now but...

    You're extremely patient, to keep doing this for him when you don't seem to get anything out of it. But at least it's not getting worse? Maybe at some point you can try to work one of these fights into a (nother?) conversation about how you hate that the only times he feels loved is when you're fighting, and it's exhausting, and what do you have to do to show how much you do care? Why can't he just take it on faith because you've shown so many times by now?

    I don't know if it's at all similar, but I had this kind of relationship with my mom for years after she split up with my dad. We're both pretty intellectual people so under normal circumstances we wouldn't show a lot of affection - and taking that on faith was hard when we were coming out of an abusive household - so it only came out when one of us had a breakdown, and it got so that we would test each other that way, until through her abuse counselling she learned to be less paranoid of her kids, and I started to better appreciate the ways she had shown she cared for me.

    Aside from that, I also learned to be more affectionate, more comfortable and spontaneous with touching & hugs etc. which might have helped, but I think not as much as healing from old wounds.
    Last edited by Resonance; 09-12-2015 at 11:06 AM.
    Empty your mind. Be formless. Shapeless. Like water. Water can flow, or it can crash. Be water, my friend.

  8. #18
    eyeing you rabbit warrior kitsune's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Resonance View Post
    Is it just me or is this a really, really, extremely bad and scary problem with blaring sirens and red lights flashing everywhere?
    I see an incompatibility in attachment styles. He obviously has an anxious attachment style and the OP seems to have an avoidant one. According to the book The New Science of Adult Attachment, there is no way to resolve this. This pairing never works and is stressful for both parties. Only someone with a healthy attachment style can make someone anxious feel secure. Only someone with a healthy attachment style can deal with the minimum amount of affection an avoidant type is willing to give.

    "
    'I cannot play with you,' the fox said. 'I am not tamed.'" - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Le Petit Prince (1943)

    REMINDER TO SELF WHEN DEALING WITH THE RABBIT WARRIOR: "All warfare is based on deception." - Sun Tzu,
    The Art of War

  9. #19
    Scala Mountains Resonance's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kitsune View Post
    I see an incompatibility in attachment styles. He obviously has an anxious attachment style and the OP seems to have an avoidant one. According to the book The New Science of Adult Attachment, there is no way to resolve this. This pairing never works and is stressful for both parties. Only someone with a healthy attachment style can make someone anxious feel secure. Only someone with a healthy attachment style can deal with the minimum amount of affection an avoidant type is willing to give.
    Yeah, that makes sense and explains it a lot better. But it seems weird to make claims like 'there is no solution' when there isn't that much research on attachment styles in adults (plenty on young children though). Therapy could still help, if it's voluntary and the therapist is good?
    Empty your mind. Be formless. Shapeless. Like water. Water can flow, or it can crash. Be water, my friend.

  10. #20
    eyeing you rabbit warrior kitsune's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Resonance View Post
    Yeah, that makes sense and is pretty straightforward. But it seems weird to make claims like 'there is no solution' when there isn't that much research on attachment styles in adults (plenty on young children though). Therapy could help?
    I'll have to find my copy of the book to confirm, but what I took away from it is that this was the main reason my anxious-avoidant relationship failed. Therapy can help, but it isn't something which changes overnight or even within a few months. It's a decades long commitment and both parties would need to change*. If a person is anxious, and their partner pushes them away, they tend to become even more anxious. Anxious types tend to make avoidants even more avoidant. I think that's why the book says its just easier to hook up with someone healthy. The healthy attachment styled partner tends to heal the anxiousness or avoidance in the other person.

    * We did several years of couples counseling and individual therapy and our attachment styles are still the same.

    "
    'I cannot play with you,' the fox said. 'I am not tamed.'" - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Le Petit Prince (1943)

    REMINDER TO SELF WHEN DEALING WITH THE RABBIT WARRIOR: "All warfare is based on deception." - Sun Tzu,
    The Art of War

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