Non-Profane Vulgarity

[Hephaestus]

Many people choose to express themselves in a vulgar manner, but so many choose to rely on profanity to do it. I understand. I mean, I'm pressed for time too. If I had more time, if I were immortal, I'd be more inclined to go into great detail about my distaste, but as it is, being ephemeral with definite but not definitely known expiration date, I find that more often than not "Fuck", "Shit" or some combination or conjugation of these staples with a context sensitive adjective or adverb seems to sum up my entire emotional and cognitive state so succinctly that it can seem more vulgar not to use them.

Still, I will admit that even my most exasperated cry of "Fucking hobby-horse cockknocker" doesn't really plumb the depths of my capacity for vulgarity or creativity. I suspect that I am not alone on this crucifix of economy vs. elegance. So, I invite you to spout off your greatest profanity free vulgarities.

They may be of the softened mixed oaths:

Good gravy on a cross!

Jumpin' ducks on a hot tin cat!


They might be obfuscated with polite language:

Your maternal parental guardian, whom raised you after whelping you, is known to me to engage in oral sodomy in the netherworld.


Or they might be elegant subtle psychological mindgames intended to be laughed off in daylight but come back to haunt their audience in the dark of narcissistic night:

Everything you've ever feared about yourself is true. All those little traits and imperfections that you wonder if people notice? We notice. We just don't mention them in front of you because it's so much more fun to laugh at you about them behind your back.

All your victories are hollow because they were either meaningless for useless accomplishments of only the most trivial value, or because we let you win, just so you'd keep playing. But one of these days, you'll come to the crushing realization of how worthless your existence is.

Solipsism is true, but you aren't the dreamer. You're literally an afterthought in the sense of afterbirth but less useful.

You're mother never loved you. That's why she spent so much time at 'work'.

Animals can talk. You don't know because none of them want to talk to you. They are deeply offended by a combination of your fundamentally flawed character, and your insistence on putting words in their mouth using a squeaky baby voice. The mice in particular have taken a liking to pooping in your mouth while you sleep. It's why your breath is so rank in the morning.

[Thevenin]

These days, "fuck" is becoming a filler word like "uh," "err," "you know," or "like." It doesn't have any of the impact it had 20 or 30 years ago and certainly not like when J. D. Salinger used it in "Catcher in the Rye," which, to me, was the only good thing about the book.

[Aven]

I think creative uses of "fuck" are entertaining. specially in other languages, but I also find Shakespearean insults to be extremely enjoyable.

[LordLatch]

I used to say, "Hiya fricken watha on pop fricken cicle stick!" when something went wrong and, "You saw me, me hiya coo!" to summon extra strength.


In that other forum, I told a particularly useless member simply, "You are unimportant."

[MoneyJungle]

I've noticed how few people cussed on the forum over the last few months. My use of 'fuck' is culturally ingrained. I'm into the whole brevity thing, too.

[Starjots]

Almost any set of words can be used in a vulgar manner. People have to make the strings of syllables they hear mean something and I think the brain goes to the naughty list first.


The paper bag felt better when it was filled with potatoes.

Open the door to your dark room, I've got a flashlight.

Don't judge a book by its cover. The words may grab you and pull you in, massage and caress you. Indeed, you may find your self turning page after page after page, your excitement growing with the story enfolding you until at last, in a marvelous climax, you are finished.

Grandma kept candles by her bed, but they were never used for light.

It did not taste like fish despite everything he'd heard.

Her profession was honest if you were a strict libertarian.

The tongue has many uses.

As to insults... Why do you have small hands and drive a large truck? Etc.

[gator]

I've noticed how few people cussed on the forum over the last few months. My use of 'fuck' is culturally ingrained. I'm into the whole brevity thing, too.

Same. Makes me feel like I'm particularly foul-mouthed.

My grandma's favourite epithet was corn. Well corn, I just dropped that steak on the floor. If the Tories think that privatizing hydro will lower costs that's a load of corn!

[Hephaestus]

Almost any set of words can be used in a vulgar manner. People have to make the strings of syllables they hear mean something and I think the brain goes to the naughty list first.


The paper bag felt better when it was filled with potatoes.

Open the door to your dark room, I've got a flashlight.

Don't judge a book by its cover. The words may grab you and pull you in, massage and caress you. Indeed, you may find your self turning page after page after page, your excitement growing with the story enfolding you until at last, in a marvelous climax, you are finished.

Grandma kept candles by her bed, but they were never used for light.

It did not taste like fish despite everything he'd heard.

Her profession was honest if you were a strict libertarian.

The tongue has many uses.

As to insults... Why do you have small hands and drive a large truck? Etc.

Oh look! Someone on track with the theme of the OP. Everyone else has thus far failed the Turing test. I couldn't tell the rest of you lot from spambots.

[LordLatch]

Attention Beneficiary:
I am Mrs. Betsy Bliar, i work with Allied Irish Bank,i wish to place your name as the beneficiary to GBP9.7Million Pounds due to the death of the depositor who died many years ago along with her family.

The funds I am referring to is right here in this bank floating in suspense account, therefore I solicit for your cooperation to be in collaboration with me to have this done, it will be transferred into an account you will provide any where in the world. Note, half of the total fund will be for your cooperation and assistance.

I will need you to provide the following information urgently to enable the attorney start the processing of the all the relevant legal documents for the fund remittance.

1)Name:
2)Address:
3)Tel:
4)Age:
5)Sex:
6)Occupation Status:

Awaiting your quick response,
Mrs. Betsy Bliar.

[Hephaestus]

Dearest Betsy,

I cannot express in words how happy it makes me to hear from you. Consequently, I would ask that we make arrangements to meet in person where the full thrust of the pleasure your contact brings me can be taken to heart. My eyes moisten in anticipation of concluding our business dealings and I would be delighted to give you a good measure of pounds as reward for what you are trying to do.

However, I, being of Irish descent, insist that all who would do business with me guess my name first. This has to do with an old event that happened long long ago wherein one of my ancestors was ruined by a woman of poor character in a flax-to-gold scheme. Since that awful day when my ancestor was robbed of his rightful child, it has been tradition to only do business on a first name basis and only if we didn't have to provide it.

Best wishes,

(It won't be that easy)