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Thread: INTP Female needs help communicating with ISFP spouse.

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    Member Confetti's Avatar
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    INTP Female needs help communicating with ISFP spouse.

    Any advice? I'm an INTP female who has been in a relationship with an ISFP make for nearly 4 yrs. any advice communicating with him about more abstract things? He hates psychology and the idea that you could classify people into boxes. how can I explain the ideas in my head in a way that isn't offensive to him?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Confetti View Post
    Any advice? I'm an INTP female who has been in a relationship with an ISFP make for nearly 4 yrs. any advice communicating with him about more abstract things? He hates psychology and the idea that you could classify people into boxes. how can I explain the ideas in my head in a way that isn't offensive to him?
    Liken MBTI to horoscopes. This worked splendidly for my ISFP acquaintances.

  3. #3
    Faster. Than. Ever. Sloth's Avatar
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    I use the metaphor of the dartboard when talking to people about mbti:

    The personality board being split up into 16ths doesn't mean that when you hit two darts in the same 16th that those darts are going to be near each other. Acknowledge that is is impossible to put people neatly into those boxes and that it is a generalization, but that doesn't negate the fact that 1/16 of the population will resemble itself more often than it would another 1/16.

    Hope that helps. Sensors are weird, good luck!

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    Member Confetti's Avatar
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    Sappho: oh no, he despises anything that sounds like zodiac/astrology. I recently found out he went nearly an entire year in his 20's following a psychic online before he was burned pretty good. After hearing that, so much made sense. Also he just hates the idea of people being boxed in which horoscopes tend to do.
    Very much SJW (I say that affectionally, I admire it to an extent.)

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    Member Confetti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sloth View Post
    I use the metaphor of the dartboard when talking to people about mbti:

    The personality board being split up into 16ths doesn't mean that when you hit two darts in the same 16th that those darts are going to be near each other. Acknowledge that is is impossible to put people neatly into those boxes and that it is a generalization, but that doesn't negate the fact that 1/16 of the population will resemble itself more often than it would another 1/16.

    Hope that helps. Sensors are weird, good luck!
    Thanks, I'll try that!

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    TJ TeresaJ's Avatar
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    My SO is an Enneagram 6 ISFJ, near as I can tell. I've found MBTI to be extremely useful in learning how to best communicate with him, but I don't really talk with him about MBTI. He also doesn't like the idea of putting people into boxes.

    What I do do is talk about specific examples of how we process things differently. Like, "You remember all these specific details about X, and that's great, but I forget details like that pretty much instantly. That's just how my brain works."

    Also I have my own outlets for intellectual, abstract discussion, so I can enjoy more concrete stuff with him without feeling like I'm missing something.
    Too bad, Lady Une. You were far too lenient.
    As a soldier, yes. But as a civilian I lived an austere life.

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    Member Confetti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TeresaJ View Post
    My SO is an Enneagram 6 ISFJ, near as I can tell. I've found MBTI to be extremely useful in learning how to best communicate with him, but I don't really talk with him about MBTI. He also doesn't like the idea of putting people into boxes.

    What I do do is talk about specific examples of how we process things differently. Like, "You remember all these specific details about X, and that's great, but I forget details like that pretty much instantly. That's just how my brain works."

    Also I have my own outlets for intellectual, abstract discussion, so I can enjoy more concrete stuff with him without feeling like I'm missing something.
    I think that's actually why I'm here, looking for different outlets to talk about more abstract things. I've tried to avoid talking about MBTI but I have this horrible problem where if I know something bothers someone, I tend to joke about it.
    So when he's acting like a complete ISFP, it just comes out my mouth before I can stop it! I know I've fucked up, I don't mean to be an asshole.
    I'll try harder with your suggestion, thanks.

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    TJ TeresaJ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Confetti View Post
    I think that's actually why I'm here, looking for different outlets to talk about more abstract things. I've tried to avoid talking about MBTI but I have this horrible problem where if I know something bothers someone, I tend to joke about it.
    So when he's acting like a complete ISFP, it just comes out my mouth before I can stop it! I know I've fucked up, I don't mean to be an asshole.
    I'll try harder with your suggestion, thanks.
    That's just how I do things. YMMV.

    I also had to do the thing where I could conceptualize our differences but he had a much harder time doing that so I was trying to consciously compensate for our "language" barrier while he was just struggling with the fact that his girlfriend was totally emotionally tone deaf (as it seemed to him). Trying to explain what was going on didn't really help - if anything, it just sounded to him like I was rationalizing everything.

    But anyway, trying new communication strategies and being persistent with it seems (at least at this moment) to be paying off.
    Too bad, Lady Une. You were far too lenient.
    As a soldier, yes. But as a civilian I lived an austere life.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Lurker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Confetti View Post
    I think that's actually why I'm here, looking for different outlets to talk about more abstract things.
    Yeah, that's why I keep coming back. I don't know your patience threshold -- or much else about you -- but I feel like an N may make too many concessions to an S. I do not think these concessions are worth it, unless you are dealing with family.

    In broad stokes, I'll summarize: The sensor is incapable of understanding your language; therefore, you can't be spontaneous, and you have the added burden of "reaching" the sensor. This won't go both ways. In fact, you may be thought of as "weird" or "spacey" for simply being yourself. I've heard sensors refer to intuitive types as airheads because they aren't tuned in with their environment (this is esp. true of Se doms). Basically, you understand them and are willing to alter your natural ways of communication so they can "get it." They don't understand you. In fact, they may look down on everything you hold dear. The mystique of attempting to know the "unknowable" will only carry a relationship so far.

    Basically, if he can't understand you as you are, you should move on.

    I've tried to avoid talking about MBTI but I have this horrible problem where if I know something bothers someone, I tend to joke about it.
    So when he's acting like a complete ISFP, it just comes out my mouth before I can stop it! I know I've fucked up, I don't mean to be an asshole.

    I'll try harder with your suggestion, thanks.
    Think about the stuff in bold. Proves my point.


  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Confetti View Post
    Any advice? I'm an INTP female who has been in a relationship with an ISFP make for nearly 4 yrs. any advice communicating with him about more abstract things? He hates psychology and the idea that you could classify people into boxes. how can I explain the ideas in my head in a way that isn't offensive to him?
    Don't know about ISFP husband, but I've got well over 20 years with an ISFJ wife.

    When it comes to the abstract, forget about it? I went through a communication deficit crisis years back. I like to think of it as an early mid-life crisis. Hate to say it, but my advice would be to pick one of two things:

    1: Acceptance - Accept that you are just not going to have that sort of communication. Look at what you do have instead, and ask yourself if it's enough.
    2: Leave - Find someone that checks that box.

    What will never happen is what you wish to happen right now. It's just not in the cards. Eventually, I chose acceptance. I fill my abstract needs in other ways with other people. My spouse brings many other things to the table, and I'm quite happy with it.
    Quote Originally Posted by whatloveihave View Post
    I don't find you a potential threat to human society, you're not crazy. Feces.

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