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Thread: News articles that should be in the Onion

  1. #21
    Minister of Love Roger Mexico's Avatar
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  2. #22
    Minister of Love Roger Mexico's Avatar
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    Wait, Justin Bieber is Canadian? Shit, yeah, just deport him. Why didn't we think of this before?


    http://www.theguardian.com/music/201...ition-deported


    "We the people of the United States feel that we are being wrongly represented in the world of pop culture," wrote the petition's creator, Detroit resident J.M. "We would like to see the dangerous, reckless, destructive, and drug abusing, Justin Bieber deported and his green card revoked. He is not only threatening the safety of our people but he is also a terrible influence on our nations youth. We the people would like to remove Justin Bieber from our society."

    In just four days, J.M's bold claims have attracted more than 45,000 supporters - well on track for the 100,000 threshold that elicits an official response from the Obama administration. A rival petition, pleading for Bieber to be allowed to stay in the US because "he is a human being [who] makes mistakes", has collected only 537 signatures at the time of writing.

  3. #23
    gryffindor Hermione's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Roger Mexico View Post
    Wait, Justin Bieber is Canadian? Shit, yeah, just deport him. Why didn't we think of this before?


    http://www.theguardian.com/music/201...ition-deported

    I say we keep him now while he's young and still employable. When he's really old and decrepit, then we send him packing. At least in Canada they'll give an old man health care and whatnot.
    All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage. Mycroft Holmes

    I am not programmed to harm human beings. Baymax

  4. #24
    <3 gator's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Roger Mexico View Post
    Wait, Justin Bieber is Canadian? Shit, yeah, just deport him. Why didn't we think of this before?


    http://www.theguardian.com/music/201...ition-deported
    But... he won't be famous if they deport him to Canada. Have you ever heard about a single famous person in Canada ever?

  5. #25
    gryffindor Hermione's Avatar
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    Avril. adorable, cool voice, fair singer, too. Famous for cool. Canadians invented cool.

    Lots of good bands. And a girl named gator. That's who.

    must i go dig up my old Avril avatar?
    All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage. Mycroft Holmes

    I am not programmed to harm human beings. Baymax

  6. #26

  7. #27
    No Thank You Blorg's Avatar
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    Russian 'kills friend in argument over whether poetry or prose is better'


    edit: this was in the comments section:

    hope he gets a long sentence.


    Cosmodemon vaquero

    If you can't do the rhyme, don't do the crime.


    QueenElizabethMkII vaquero

    He should be bard for life.


    vaquero QueenElizabethMkII

    After theyve thrown the book at him.


    Glozboy vaquero

    I'm sure he'll turn over a new leaf


    felixzacat vaquero

    In the russian legal system, he doesn't stanza chance.

  8. #28
    The Pompatus of Love C.J.Woolf's Avatar
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    Rhyme and pun-ishment. I approve.
    Your gardening sucks and your avocados ain't fruitin'. -- Sappho the Maestro

  9. #29
    Minister of Love Roger Mexico's Avatar
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    This is an annual tradition in Portland, OR. (It usually snows once or twice a year, in mid-January; otherwise the winters are just rainy.) Sometimes they close the highways. It's funnier when they just announce that using the highways isn't recommended without chains on your tires.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ptah View Post
    No history, no exposition, no anecdote or argument changes the invariant: we are all human beings, and some humans are idiots.

  10. #30
    In it to win it 99Problems's Avatar
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    New study show that driving faster costs more in gas money.


    http://autos.aol.com/article/speedin...saolp00000058&

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