Page 17 of 17 FirstFirst ... 7151617
Results 161 to 166 of 166

Thread: Marriage?

  1. #161
    Dr.Awkward Robcore's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    1,841
    Quote Originally Posted by Sistamatic View Post
    Have you ever been through a difficult breakup?

    I ask because you do not come across as a native speaker of breakupese, or like you are describing a place you've heard a lot about, but that you've never visited. I don't think you understand the misery of being forced into a role in order to make someone else happy.
    I keep saying that I'm not advocating for not breaking up...
    ...but anyway, yeah, I broke up with my wife once during the course of our dating phase...and get ready to roll your eyes now, it was a profound and beautiful experience that actually brought us a lot closer in the long run. It's the only breakup that I've been through.
    We were living together...I had set out to write a book, and ended up very depressed...she was going to uni, finishing her teaching degree and doing her last few placements. She'd recently come off of lithium and an SSRI, and I was depressed and stressed, because when I set out to do my creative thing, my creativity shriveled up. It was a pretty rough time. When things came to a climax and we decided to break up, I had to move back in with my dad, which was a day's trip away, and it was Spring Break iirc, so she drove me home, intending to spend the break with her family(who live in the same town as my family) instead of alone and sad at our apartment. On the trip home we expressed what we wanted for each other, and generally just supported one another in our grieving...it was extremely loving and beautiful.
    I think the break-up lasted all of about 6 weeks before we decided to try again...but we didn't really speak for probably 5 of the 6 weeks...with the exception of maybe 2 email exchanges, I think.

    A 'break-up' experience that I had with my own mom was more similar to what you're probably thinking of as a typical break-up. I ended up cutting her out of my life for about a year when I was in my late teens...she was not in a good place at the time, and engaging with her seemed to just put more fuel on the fire. Once again, we ended up resolving things, later.

    There's a Mother Teresa quote that I don't quite recall word for word, but the gist of it is that a relationship that doesn't end peacefully, doesn't end. With regard to that philosophy, I try not to hold anyone in mind with resent, and I try to stay open to seeing/experiencing things differently, always. I'm a forgiving fellow...which, I think, might affect how I experience relationships. I'm not inclined to leave a relationship because it, or the other person, is bad or abusive or dysfunctional...I do it because I'm drawn to something better, and they just don't happen to be going that way, too. With my mom, I 'cut her out' (essentially meaning, 'I did my own thing without really keeping in touch with her') because I was on a good trajectory in life at the time, and inspiration was that way, and fighting with my mom was the other way. I followed inspiration, going to art school, and then later, when she wasn't as into fighting about everything, our paths converged again. She grew a bit...I grew a bit...neither of us perfect...but it was what it was.
    How about another of my analogies that go way too far...

    I suppose that I'm usually pretty true to myself, so I probably don't relate strongly to being forced into a role in order to make someone else happy. I usually have my own novel approach to helping those around me to be happy (essentially, just being happy, and sharing that)...but I can see how pressures from outside can make that difficult. I navigate pressures as a member of a very large family...meaning that I tackle them head on when I'm up for it, and back away from the front lines when I'm not. I'm not the typical INTP in the sense that I'm not an island, I guess.

    A failed relationship is like an old car that you've sunk way too much money into...only instead of wasting money, you are wasting time...wasting your life.
    I understand the metaphor, but contend that the only true waste of time is time that you regret wasting. As such, there's the critical factor regarding whether you can glean insight or wisdom from the bad experiences you've had. If you didn't have them, you'd enter into a different relationship just as naive.

    Consider a guy I know who is in a relationship that makes him desperately unhappy. He's been in it since he was 16, and he'll probably be in it until he's dead. Decades into this relationship, he did shitty shitty things, probably because he subconsciously hoped she'd divorce him because he knows she'll dedicate her life to making him hate his even more if he divorces her, and they have children. He tried counseling, but when his wife found out that the counseling wasn't going to be all about what HE was doing wrong, she refused to go back. They can never have what you have. They will never know what a good relationship is like. The point at which that was still on the table was 20 years ago when they should have been more honest with themselves about what they wanted in life.
    What I don't get is this: why do shitty things to make it fail, when you could do the things that make you happy/make you grow, and cause it to fail that way? Again, I'm not against break-ups.
    Depression, while generally related to at least some external circumstances, isn't something that other people can fix for us. Being happy with or without the relationship is critical, I think.

    This is what can happen when two people with mutually exclusive needs and goals proceed to the point of irrevocable entanglement.

    Google "kittenfishing" and "Virtual dating assistants." Advocating against dealbreakers is like advocating against water in a desert. I get it, I mean if you (the royal you consisting of single and searching yous) run across someone truly amazing, someone like Robcore's wife was to him, be open to relaxing some of your criteria, but if you want to avoid a lot of unnecessary pain in your life, don't be afraid to be a) picky as hell, and b) honest as hell.
    I totally agree with being picky as hell and honest as hell. I don't think you need dealbreakers to do that. You don't need to see anything wrong with vanilla in order for you to gravitate toward chocolate. I could have dated a lot before I met my wife. I didn't. I didn't even plan to. There was no criteria for or against...because my life's journey wasn't going to be this thing that I would have to somehow make compatible with another person's journey...if there was to be a person, that person would be part of my path, not an accessory to it that I'd pick up along the way just because I wanted to have one.

    You may call it luck...but I'm inclined to think of it in more spiritual terms, just because I experience things that way. I don't think of it as soulmates per se, but I do see it as having unfolded in alignment with some sort of goodness. After all, I could not have designed it to be as meaningful to me even if I had known all that I know now about my relationship.
    You can't plan your growth...and the purpose of relationships is to grow.

    In regard to that, I suppose that I don't see dealbreakers as 'growth'...I see them as mental programs adopted in order to facilitate autopilot.
    ...the origin of emotional sickness lay in people’s belief that they were their personalities...
    "The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong." ~Carl Jung

  2. #162
    chaotic neutral shitpost
    Type
    xxxx
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    shrubland
    Posts
    7,347
    eh, behind every dealbreaker is a "beautiful and profound experience" of being tested wearing different hats as a relationship partner, and gaining self-knowledge.

    i say this with respect, but maybe if you haven't had the experience of growing apart from someone you love / once loved in a way that made you profoundly incompatible with them, you might not understand how a dealbreaker isn't superficial "checking off boxes" or "going on autopilot" as you keep insisting. it's actually quite the opposite, cuz you know yourself better from being tested and deciding that you won't betray yourself and your values and/or goals to keep someone else warm. it doesn't mean you can't love and see great things about people you can't be with, for various reasons.
    WORKJIGGLYPLAY
    HARDxBUTTxHARD

  3. #163
    Dr.Awkward Robcore's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    1,841
    Maybe. Or maybe there's a different way.

    I don't believe in 'compatibility' as a thing between humans, in any case. Generally it is treating traits as static that aren't. People are not their personalities.
    ...the origin of emotional sickness lay in people’s belief that they were their personalities...
    "The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong." ~Carl Jung

  4. #164
    Member
    Type
    INFJ
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Posts
    839
    Quote Originally Posted by Lurker View Post
    I imagine @mara staring vacantly out her kitchen window when her husband goes to work; she's so terrified of herself that she occasionally dissociates. When she buries her head in his winter overcoat, she feels safe again. Finally, he returns home, and she can begin her day.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sinny View Post
    Okay, you've just earned a down vote from me
    no it's true that the agenda of state-socialists is to destroy the family in order to replace the role of parenthood with that of the state so that the state can indoctrinate the children with the values of the state instead of parents being able to raise their children with their own values

    part of that agenda is to disincentivise relationships from working and instead to incentivise people to break up

  5. #165
    Senior Member jyng1's Avatar
    Type
    intp
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    3,582
    Quote Originally Posted by mara View Post
    instead to incentivise people to break up
    The State is a 27 year old blonde?

  6. #166
    Member
    Type
    INFJ
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Posts
    839
    Quote Originally Posted by jyng1 View Post
    The State is a 27 year old blonde?
    i'm not talking about any specific person

    what i'm saying is that the state can affect how individuals behave though; it can affect their choices