Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 1234 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 43

Thread: INTP relationship woes...?

  1. #11
    Banned
    Type
    INtP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    2,235
    INTPx Award Winner
    Quote Originally Posted by nerby View Post
    Yes, I am always being told that I need to spend more quality time with my companion and I really don't talk things out. I need to try more.
    You, being an INTP, will likely be blamed for most communication problems in the relationship, 'cause you are the quiet, withdrawn person.

    However....

    If your partner requires more than you are capable of giving -- without draining your vital fluids -- then you may not have a sustainable relationship.

    Personally, I am leery of people who sit and brood because they need time to "process their feelings."

    This is why:

    *They are being passive-aggressive by making you guess what the problem is. I believe a person knows a little explanation is fair so you don't assume the worst -- unless the person wants you to sweat it. If so, you don't need a PC version of The Silent Treatment. Look for someone straightforword. Fair, honest, and not a "shunner."

    Sometimes the introvert is seen as someone to be coaxed out, like a beaten dog that craves company, but can't overcome fear of people.

  2. #12
    Sysop Ptah's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Chicago
    Posts
    3,698
    Quote Originally Posted by Lurker View Post
    If your partner requires more than you are capable of giving -- without draining your vital fluids -- then you may not have a sustainable relationship.
    ^This.

    Personally, I am leery of people who sit and brood because they need time to "process their feelings."
    Hm. Brooding is one thing, I guess, and I can certainly understand your case about the passive-aggressive possibility.... however, I myself do sometimes move for a "leave me alone" time-out, if I sense my emotions are overheating. Why? Not a passive-aggressive "shut out" or anything. No, this is as much for my sake as theirs -- if I am emotionally unstable, I fear that my behavior may lead to things being done and said that are destructive or harmful to one or both of us, so I go for the emergency time-out (this is presuming I've become self-aware of the emotional overload in progress, that is, ha). For instance, I've told my partner, "I want to talk about this, but I need a minute or two to clear my head, please", and then I go for the immediate alone-time cool-down. And follow-through on the "let's talk" as soon as possible thereafter.

    I've been with partners that understood this -- meaning, I explained myself, as such -- (and perhaps it took some mutual work up front) and those who didn't/wouldn't. Things didn't last long with those that didn't, to your remark quoted first, above. If I can't have my time-out, and if you won't respect my reasons for needing one, than fuck you. We're done, basically.

  3. #13
    Banned
    Type
    INtP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    2,235
    INTPx Award Winner
    Quote Originally Posted by Ptah View Post
    Hm. Brooding is one thing, I guess, and I can certainly understand your case about the passive-aggressive possibility.... however, I myself do sometimes move for a "leave me alone" time-out, if I sense my emotions are overheating. Why? Not a passive-aggressive "shut out" or anything. No, this is as much for my sake as theirs -- if I am emotionally unstable, I fear that my behavior may lead to things being done and said that are destructive or harmful to one or both of us, so I go for the emergency time-out (this is presuming I'm become self-aware of the emotional overload in progress, that is, ha). For instance, I've told my partner, "I want to talk about this, but I need a minute or two to clear my head, please", and then I go for the immediate alone-time cool-down. And follow-through on the "let's talk" as soon as possible thereafter.
    If the timeout takes place during a fight, the reason is obvious; besides that, you are exercising self-control to avoid saying stuff that -- you are dead on correct -- that should never be spoken, will destroy not only a relationship, but even someone's self-worth -- and, probably wasn't even meant.

    Withdrawing to calm down isn't what I was referring to
    Even in that situation, you stated that you said why you needed to pull back.

    I'm talking about an obviously troubled, bothered, hurt (?) person who refuses any explanation. I don't like that. Especially if a comment like "I can't discuss it because you might be hurt." Okay, so it's hurtful, personal, and I should act normal. I mean, just tell a person. Just the basic idea.

    I prefer bluntness, even if it's a little harsh...because my friend, SO, etc deserves to know. Better in the long run. And I'm not one to be cruel, generally. I dislike seeing people in pain.

    In the past, I have not withdrawn because my rage was maxxed out...and I really, really regret the words I've spoken.

    Otherwise, I want to talk it out. I can't deal with a "horrible"
    unknown.
    .


    I
    've been with partners that understood this -- meaning, I explained myself, as such -- (and perhaps it took some mutual work up front) and those who didn't/wouldn't. Things didn't last long with those that didn't, to your remark quoted first, above. If I can't have my time-out, and if you won't respect my reasons for needing one, than fuck you. We're done, basically.
    When that does, and it's the major hurdle, it is so temping
    to think it will work out somehow, esp. if you love the person. It sucks that one big issue spells the end.

  4. #14
    Scobblelotcher Sistamatic's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    4,348
    INTPx Award Winner
    On the rare occasions I've become really angry at my husband, I've been known to tell him, "I'm pissed off and I'm not objective enough to know if I should be, so I want to think about it some before I try to blame anyone but myself for how I feel." He has admitted that he both loves and hates it. He loves it because he's rarely in trouble because I'm always looking for what I could have done differently to lead to a better outcome rather than what he could have done differently. He hates it for the same reason. As a F to the Fth power, he wants to have a degree of control over my emotions. By the same token, he can feel patronized and isolated when I always run the causality of a situation back to a point where I could have changed the outcome and then stop there as if he had nothing to do with it at all. I don't really think that's the case, it's just impractical for me to worry about what he has done wrong because I can only control me. I don't feel responsible for any behavior but my own and I trust him to identify his own mistakes and police them himself. If he wants me to help him with that, he's got to either fuck up in a way that costs me, or better yet, brainstorm with me about it. That can be tricky because ... well because F ... but hey, if me blowing up a few emotional landmines here and there was going to end us, we'd have ended a long time ago. He trusts my intent ... you know once he calms down ... no matter how badly I blunder the execution.

    Because we lack the constant heated back and forth that so many couples have, we sometimes don't torture test the weak points in our relationship as thoroughly as we might and they can be a bit surprising when they crop up. For my part, I am so emotionally autonomous that he sometimes doesn't feel emotionally needed, and I have learned not to let that happen. For his part, I'm so low maintenance that the needs I do have can be forgotten to such a degree that I start to feel as if I am not a priority, but I know that if I can just bring myself to be up front about needing something, I'm always a priority.

    In all my relationships -- not just the romantic one -- I've always had trouble with subtext. There's so much of it and I miss almost all of it and those who know me well have all had occasion to laugh their asses off as I stumble obliviously over landmines that are obvious to everyone else. Sigh.

    I think we all have a tendency to default to the assumption that others' point of view at least resembles our own, and since so few things hurt my feelings it is hard for me to intuit what will hurt everyone else's. It's probably extra funny to watch because I'm so intuitive about so many other things.

    I think the golden rule is hilarious. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Pshaw. There are precious few people I can treat the way I like to be treated. Usually if I drink with these people we are sore the next day from laughing so hard.
    Insults are effective only where emotion is present. -- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" Stardate 3468.1.

    I'm not avoiding socializing I'm helping socializing avoid me! --MoneyJungle

  5. #15
    Dr.Awkward Robcore's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    1,297
    Your type is not static.
    Introversion is great, but not as an opposite to extroversion. If you live too much in your own head, you fail to do any reality testing. Likewise, an extrovert who is always just reacting to their surroundings is not going to end up very self-aware or conscious.
    If you are an "I", it really just means that you're more proficient at introversion than you are at extroversion. They are not opposite skills though. A carpenter has to be proficient at hammering nails, and at pulling nails. They seem opposite, but they're really just distinct skills that are both important.

    Think of introversion as the ability to look left before crossing a road, and extroversion as the ability to look right.
    You kind of have to develop both skills in order to survive the long haul. One skill might improve your odds over not looking at all...but if you restrict yourself to being a certain type, it won't be long before you get smacked by a bus.

    Develop your feeling. Develop your judging. Develop your sensing. Develop your extroversion. None of that will cause the INTP qualities to diminish, because they aren't opposites. If you're resigned to having only 4 of the 8 qualities, you're resigned to being half a person.
    ...the origin of emotional sickness lay in people’s belief that they were their personalities...
    "The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong." ~Carl Jung

  6. #16
    Scobblelotcher Sistamatic's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    4,348
    INTPx Award Winner
    Quote Originally Posted by Robcore View Post
    Your type is not static.
    Introversion is great, but not as an opposite to extroversion. If you live too much in your own head, you fail to do any reality testing. Likewise, an extrovert who is always just reacting to their surroundings is not going to end up very self-aware or conscious.
    If you are an "I", it really just means that you're more proficient at introversion than you are at extroversion. They are not opposite skills though. A carpenter has to be proficient at hammering nails, and at pulling nails. They seem opposite, but they're really just distinct skills that are both important.

    Think of introversion as the ability to look left before crossing a road, and extroversion as the ability to look right.
    You kind of have to develop both skills in order to survive the long haul. One skill might improve your odds over not looking at all...but if you restrict yourself to being a certain type, it won't be long before you get smacked by a bus.

    Develop your feeling. Develop your judging. Develop your sensing. Develop your extroversion. None of that will cause the INTP qualities to diminish, because they aren't opposites. If you're resigned to having only 4 of the 8 qualities, you're resigned to being half a person.
    Being extroverted costs an introvert exponentially more energy, and while you are absolutely correct that it would be a handy skill to have, it's still a dick move to expect an introvert to expend that energy needlessly. Pit an introvert who is trying ridiculously hard against an raging extro who is just being himself and there is no contest, not even if the introvert has trained like an Olympian at developing their E. I have been told in so many words that if I'd just try harder I could be better at socializing...and that's funny because I'm pretty sure I was trying about a million times harder than the person who said it to me. And I told her as much.

    I wonder how often extroverts get told they need to work on their introversion?

    There is intriguing evidence that introversion and extroversion are hardwired. There are structural differences in the brains of introverts and extroverts. So perhaps that part of your type is a bit more static than the rest.
    Insults are effective only where emotion is present. -- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" Stardate 3468.1.

    I'm not avoiding socializing I'm helping socializing avoid me! --MoneyJungle

  7. #17
    Dr.Awkward Robcore's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    1,297
    Quote Originally Posted by Sistamatic View Post
    Being extroverted costs an introvert exponentially more energy, and while you are absolutely correct that it would be a handy skill to have, it's still a dick move to expect an introvert to expend that energy needlessly. Pit an introvert who is trying ridiculously hard against an raging extro who is just being himself and there is no contest, not even if the introvert has trained like an Olympian at developing their E. I have been told in so many words that if I'd just try harder I could be better at socializing...and that's funny because I'm pretty sure I was trying about a million times harder than the person who said it to me. And I told her as much.

    I wonder how often extroverts get told they need to work on their introversion?

    There is intriguing evidence that introversion and extroversion are hardwired. There are structural differences in the brains of introverts and extroverts. So perhaps that part of your type is a bit more static than the rest.
    My wife was a major E when we started dating, and now she is quite a lot more I(like, there are days when I think she might test as I, even though she's still generally E). I encouraged her to develop her I quite a lot.

    I think for an INTP to develop their E, it probably helps a lot when they also develop their F, S and J, too. For myself, developing my E has had less to do with improving socializing skills, and more to do with persistently challenging and negating the belief system that people are energy-draining soul suckers, lol. Just changing the way you look at socializing can make it an entirely different can of worms....and having N, T and P as a foundation, it isn't a tall order to ask him to look at things differently. It's a good thing he's not a J, lol.

    Being extroverted costs an introvert exponentially more energy, and while you are absolutely correct that it would be a handy skill to have, it's still a dick move to expect an introvert to expend that energy needlessly.
    It depends entirely on what you define as 'needless'.
    Personally, I run across a lot of extroverts...and coping with them is not a needless skill. This guy happens to be in a 3 year long relationship with an extrovert, so it seems to be even more the case that he needs to work on this...unless you view the relationship as the needless part.
    He's got to ask himself if he can be happy and alone, or if he can be happy in a miserable relationship, lol.

    Extroverts don't have 'exponentially more energy'...they probably intake about the same number of calories as introverts, pound for pound. It has everything to do with resistance and drag. Developing one's E is about becoming more aerodynamic and having less drag and resistance. It isn't like thinking or responding or observing or learning or stringing words together in a sequence that allows for clear and effective communication is all outside the wheel house of NTPs. We can spot patterns; we can communicate well; we can do it!
    Now, should we expect to pick up on subtle social cues right out the gate? no. Should we expect to observe and assess them as long as we haven't resolved that inner resistance/drag? no. Are subtle social cues particularly complex and hard to learn? not at all. Same as learning any other pattern or language.
    ...the origin of emotional sickness lay in people’s belief that they were their personalities...
    "The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong." ~Carl Jung

  8. #18
    Senior Member Starjots's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    1,754
    After 35 years or so of committed relationships, one with dissimilar personality and one with similar personality - it's still a learning thing.

    Best advice I can give is understand 'this is who I am' and try to understand 'this is who you are' and work from there and work on bridging the communication gaps.

    If she says you are selfish, I'd assume she wants something or thinks you're defective. If the former, figure that out - if the latter, change her mind and if that doesn't work pack it up. All of this involves a lot of communication but you can space it out over time.

    Be willing to be wrong but don't be willing to always be wrong. Etc.

    INTPishness isn't a sure-fire relationship destroyer.

  9. #19
    TJ TeresaJ's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Location
    mosquito-infested hell
    Posts
    2,248
    Quote Originally Posted by Sistamatic View Post
    For my part, I am so emotionally autonomous that he sometimes doesn't feel emotionally needed, and I have learned not to let that happen.
    Teach me your ways.

    Quote Originally Posted by Starjots View Post
    INTPishness isn't a sure-fire relationship destroyer.
    There you go. Confidence!
    Too bad, Lady Une. You were far too lenient.
    As a soldier, yes. But as a civilian I lived an austere life.

  10. #20
    Scobblelotcher Sistamatic's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    4,348
    INTPx Award Winner
    Quote Originally Posted by Robcore View Post
    Are subtle social cues particularly complex and hard to learn? not at all.


    Yes, @Robcore. They are.

    "But sista, if you'd just try harder, you would be better at socializing."

    You don't take hard stands on controversial subjects, you go to church, and your entire family looks like they fell out of a fashion catalog. You don't have to code switch to fit in, you just have to be yourself. Of course it is easy for you. You are socially acceptable as is. You aren't an atheist woman in the south, you aren't in situations that require you to wear heels and dresses that make you feel idiotic and exposed. You just open your closet, put on the appropriate clothes you own and like for the situation, show up, and talk about how awesome church and your kids are, and let everyone know how you don't disagree with the stand they have taken because you aren't convinced one way or the other of what is correct.

    Coping with extroverts is a needed skill. On that we agree. Just because it is easy for you doesn't mean it is easy for everyone. I'm telling you it is extremely exhausting for me and that it's not because I haven't made an effort. I socialize with people on a regular basis and I'm one of those people who winds up at the head table trying to make smalltalk with a governor's wife or some such shit more often than you'd imagine. I believe you when you say it's no big deal for you. I'm not even surprised. I'm telling you that no matter how much training I get in this, it's torture. It's kind of depressing just how much I have to pretend I am not myself in order to be accepted. Turns out that atheist women who don't obsess over make up and hair and nails are a tough sell in the south. To such an extent that if I'm too much myself at one of my husband's work functions, I could cost us our livelihood.

    This person you have gotten to know on INTPx is way more me than anyone the socialites of my world will ever have a glimpse of.
    Insults are effective only where emotion is present. -- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" Stardate 3468.1.

    I'm not avoiding socializing I'm helping socializing avoid me! --MoneyJungle

Similar Threads

  1. Latest dating woes
    By last_caress in forum Rants, Raves & Hot Air
    Replies: 106
    Last Post: 03-29-2016, 06:56 AM
  2. INTP-ENFJ: Rise and Fall of a Long Term Relationship
    By Ptah in forum Inter-Type Relationships
    Replies: 34
    Last Post: 03-24-2015, 02:12 PM
  3. Educational Woes
    By Dot in forum Rants, Raves & Hot Air
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 02-19-2015, 04:39 PM
  4. Pet Woes
    By INTP_Polly in forum Rants, Raves & Hot Air
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 06-14-2014, 01:35 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •