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Thread: Letting people explain things to you

  1. #21
    Quote Originally Posted by MoneyJungle View Post
    I’m often surprised at the intimacies people will divulge to me once I’ve patiently listened to them tell me about a banality at which I’m already well-schooled.


    Quote Originally Posted by MoneyJungle View Post
    Not getting conversationally steamrolled by blowhards remains a work in progress.
    I'm pretty good with this if the topic at hand is important and/or serious business. It's when it's pleasure and not one on one that I have a meltdown. Hell, my wife and daughter and me in one room sometimes feels like some kind of weird game of "get a word in edgewise before your memory stops functioning".

    But we're close. So when it's reached 1000 words to my 1 and I've now forgotten what I had to say, I just let them know... "HOLD THE PHONE!!!! Just wait.. I had something to say 10 minutes ago, but it's gone. Can I have a space to speak? Maybe? Oh.. nevermind. I don't even know what I have to say now and the context is long gone. Continue. I'll be in the corner reading the news if I'm needed."
    Quote Originally Posted by mara View Post
    my crime is that i disrupted the echo chamber

  2. #22
    Hasta Siempre Madrigal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jigglypuff View Post
    do you let people explain things to you that you know already?

    like if somebody's talking with you, they mention something related like a idea or phrase and ask if you've heard of it or know about it, and you do know about it.

    i know this seems random but this has happened to me enough times that i'm starting to think it's a "thing."

    i'm experiencing this weird thing where if i say "yeah, i've heard of that" or "yeah, i know what that is" the other person seems to be somewhat put off by it, and that ends the conversation.

    once, recently, the other person seemed extremely put off by it. like he sorta backed away and was like "ok, i'm just mentioning it" as if i said something out of line. like i should've just said "no, what's that?" and let him explain.

    i'm REALLY confused and put off by this, understandably, i think? what could i have said that could make another person have that reaction?

    is it related to "mansplaining" or what? have you experienced something like this? do you just get by acting totally ignorant of everything??

    do you like to explain things to people for the sake of explaining?? if yes, wtf, why?
    Yes, I generally let people explain what I already know (this doesn't count when someone is reminding me of something I need to do, or correcting something I did wrong after I already learned my lesson - I might not like that, haha). To me it generally isn't any less informative than anything else they are saying.

    Sometimes people start off explaining something you already know, but then, given the chance to say everything they wanted to say, you may find out they know some additional thing, or they say it in a way that you find entertaining, or perhaps they even say something wrong that you can debate about. Sometimes they don't say anything new, but you've gained the knowledge of what they know, which is useful in itself. I can see you don't mean it, but I don't think it's nice to cut people off before they have had a chance, and I think anyone would be put off by it. Maybe some people hide their displeasure better than others.

    I didn't used to be this way in my teens and early 20s, but I'm pretty comfortable with letting people think they're informing me of something new when I actually already know. Normally I'll imply that I know without discouraging the story, like I'll nod or say "yeah!" or add some interjection, because I tend to be enthusiastic about discovering a shared area of knowledge. But there are cases in which I'm happy to play dumb for different reasons.

    Quote Originally Posted by scarydoor View Post
    I think I don't really like people explaining things to me at all.
    Weird. People are my favorite source of info and I like being around people who can tell me things in an entertaining way.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hephaestus View Post
    Heh. We've been here years now.

  3. #23
    Hasta Siempre Madrigal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sistamatic View Post
    I have a lot of splains in my lexicon.
    Loved them!

    Momsplaining/Dadsplaining if it's a parent or parent in law, perhaps even a grandparent assuming you don't know how to do something everyone your age can do...i.e. explaining how to buy a car or how to load the dishwasher or something...when you are in your 40s!
    One day I was helping my father with a barbeque he was holding at his house, and he thought he'd explain to me how to use a mop. Like I have never once seen him holding one, but he had a scientific way to do it so the floor would be evenly cleaned. I just listened with a poker face and tried to hide the hilarity I felt.

    Quote Originally Posted by MoneyJungle View Post
    Not getting conversationally steamrolled by blowhards remains a work in progress.
    Same. I talk to people like that on a rather frequent basis (when I talk to people) and in my own family. It has actually produced some bad conversation habits like interrupting, which I then transfer to other people who don't deserve interruption. :/ It's not the kind of "I already know that" interruption, it's more like, "If I don't interrupt you now, I'm going to forget, or we'll be on another topic by then".
    Quote Originally Posted by Hephaestus View Post
    Heh. We've been here years now.

  4. #24
    Senior Member Starjots's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sistamatic View Post
    I have a lot of splains in my lexicon.

    Momsplaining/Dadsplaining if it's a parent or parent in law, perhaps even a grandparent assuming you don't know how to do something everyone your age can do...i.e. explaining how to buy a car or how to load the dishwasher or something...when you are in your 40s!
    This reminds me of a work in progress. When a kid brings up something interesting they've learned I often start Dadsplaining all about the topic. NO. DON'T DO IT. Like most people I know a lot of esoteric shit and love to verbalize it once in a while. But in this case I think it does more harm than good - better for them to do most of the talking.

    Not there yet.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by oxyjen View Post
    But if someone is doing this over a WORD? or PHRASE? I have exactly one person in my life who I could see doing that. And this person is a definite mansplainer too (before you Pepe chucklefucks say anything, this is the first person IRL that I've ever assessed as deserving of that label. AND HE DOES). For the person I have in mind, it's an ego thing, mixed with a touch of insecurity--he would never verbalize it outright but he thinks he's smarter than other people, and believes himself to have insider knowledge that other people don't know. And when you undermine that underlying assumption by knowing something he doesn't think you "can" know, it's weirdly off-balancing for them.
    yeah, i think it's partly an ego & insecurity thing with these men who have acted weird when they can't explain to me something i already know. maybe they're not used to people knowing what they're talking about. usually i say "yeah, i've heard of that" and the conversation just keeps going but it's weird to have people react weirdly to that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thoth View Post
    You've likely heard this before, but how you say something can be more important than what you say. If you're always reacting stand-offish (even unconsciously so) then you can expect to get negative reactions. I'm often accused of this myself.
    Quote Originally Posted by Polemarch View Post
    That does seem like a bizarre reaction. If you were somehow the cause, then it definitely wouldn't have been what you said - but rather how you said it. Tone of voice is like a totally different conversation than words, and it might be possible that you said it in such a way that the tone, not the words, was perceived by him as dismissive or annoyed.

    Or he's just a weirdo.
    it's possible that i'm coming off stand-offish or dismissive when i say that, and that's something i've thought about and am aware of, but that's not my intention. it's not that i can predict what they're gonna say next, or that i want them to stop talking.

    it's just that when they ask me whether i've heard of something and i say i do, i don't understand how this can be considered any sort of derail. in my mind i'm keeping the conversation going by saying i've heard of it, so they don't have to get all 101 and can get to the meat of the topic.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thoth View Post
    I'd be remiss to not think "mansplaining" isn't a thing that can happen... But I'd offer a guy might not be doing it for a dominance play many social media social theorists assume. Guys can struggle with how to approach women, and might think demonstrating intelligence is a good route to take. It's not about explaining a concept to you, it more about trying to show they know something intellectual that might garner your attention.
    Quote Originally Posted by stigmatica View Post
    This is a good point that I think I'd all but forgotten about. Men can fall all over themselves peacocking. Ever been told to imagine everyone in their underwear when giving a speech? Similar application here. Imagine the guy is a peacock. Or better yet, a bird of paradise:
    i've also thought that maybe it's some subconscious thing that men do when talking to women, like how genders are socialized to act around one another.

    btw stigmatica this video is hilarious in this context and made me lol.

    Quote Originally Posted by BarIII View Post
    You're kind of shutting them down by saying it like that. You need to leave room for the discussion to continue or else it could be awkward for them (and for you if you run out of things to talk about). I'm in that situation a lot with a friend. Instead of "yeah, I took it in college, I know all about it" you could say something like "yeah, like [example]" or "I'll do that next time, and [something related to keep the conversation going].
    yep, i'm considering that my non-bubbly tone might sound like i'm shutting somebody down, esp when i don't follow up immediately with something after. i tend to nod along when somebody's explaining something to me in most cases when the proper etiquette is to just listen, and then reciprocate when there's a non-awkward break. i feel like i'm already nice as heck tbh, i don't know what else i could possibly do.

    Quote Originally Posted by Starjots View Post
    I usually let them explain it to me - if nothing else I might learn something.

    Once upon a time I showed up to some remote work place and the guy started explaining to me how I could learn everything out of this great manual. Being a younger version of myself I told him I wrote that manual (really I did, it was a bit surreal). I could tell right there I'd soured the milk from the get go. My bad.
    see, i think that's a weird reaction! i'd be totally excited if that happens to me and i def wouldn't be put off by accidentally meeting the author of a book i admire.

    Quote Originally Posted by Madrigal View Post
    I can see you don't mean it, but I don't think it's nice to cut people off before they have had a chance, and I think anyone would be put off by it. Maybe some people hide their displeasure better than others.
    that's the thing, i'm not cutting them off. they're asking me whether i know about something and i'm saying yes. it seems weird if they're asking that as a rhetorical question. how is that reasonable?

    fwiw, i still have many successful, lively, thoughtful discussions with people and with most this isn't an issue. it's just these few times that make me think there's a chance i'm being a weirdo.

    i also play dumb frequently, but that's something i'm trying to do less cuz it doesn't help me out, and it's not fun or honest.
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  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by jigglypuff View Post
    that's the thing, i'm not cutting them off. they're asking me whether i know about something and i'm saying yes. it seems weird if they're asking that as a rhetorical question. how is that reasonable?
    Ooooooh, sorry, that does seem weird. I thought you were hinting that they didn't need to tell you. I don't remember this ever happening to me. Maybe when someone asks me whether I know something, I'm more prone to saying, "Kind of" or implying I'm not an expert. And it probably goes without saying that it's usually true.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hephaestus View Post
    Heh. We've been here years now.

  7. #27
    Vacantly Occupied rincon's Avatar
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    I think it's a natural impulse for INTPs (well, xNTxs, or maybe any type really) to jump at a chance to explain something they have a lot of knowledge of to someone else who is clearly lacking it or confused/"wrong" about it.

    Example:

    Co-worker: did you know there was this game that was pretty popular with nerds called dungeons and dragons? Is it like an old Call of Duty?
    Me: *in my head: OH SHIT, IT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL*

  8. #28
    I hate know-it-all assholes and I feel like one if I interrupt so if it's short, usually I swallow my pride and smile and nod. If it's lengthy I go for the polite derail. If that fails I begin strangling.

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by rincon View Post
    I think it's a natural impulse for INTPs (well, xNTxs, or maybe any type really) to jump at a chance to explain something they have a lot of knowledge of to someone else who is clearly lacking it or confused/"wrong" about it.

    Example:

    Co-worker: did you know there was this game that was pretty popular with nerds called dungeons and dragons? Is it like an old Call of Duty?
    Me: *in my head: OH SHIT, IT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL*
    See I HATE having those conversations with people. Especially if it's something I have strong opinions about. I'll only get into it with someone if I'm confident that they'll at least be able to understand my point of view. Otherwise I just feign ignorance and disinterest while praying for a topic shift.

  10. #30
    fluctuating Obfuscate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TeresaJ View Post
    See I HATE having those conversations with people. Especially if it's something I have strong opinions about. I'll only get into it with someone if I'm confident that they'll at least be able to understand my point of view. Otherwise I just feign ignorance and disinterest while praying for a topic shift.
    i am a sucker for those... i like being able to provide an overview of a subject and receiving one... this would be a prime example of how to derail me from a task...
    "The vanity of intelligence is that the intelligent man is often more committed to 'one-upping' his opponent than being truthful. When the idea of intelligence, rather than intelligence itself, becomes a staple, there is no wisdom in it."
    Criss Jami

    "When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion."
    "Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving."
    Dale Carnegie

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