Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 29

Thread: Compliments

  1. #11
    wetback Space Invaders Champion Fitz's Avatar
    Type
    infj
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    home
    Posts
    4,118
    The thing I get complimented on the most is my food. Yes, I believe them, it's the only thing I'm good at. I don't think they're superficial they keep coming back and buying my illegal food. I almost always just pivot the conversation to talking about something complimentary towards the person complimenting me. It's like a compliment reach-around. Everyone leaves happy.

  2. #12
    non-canonical Light Leak's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Lost-Hope
    Posts
    2,167
    I'm complimented on my appearance more than anything else. I think a lot of times it's just people being polite. Thinks like "Did you get your haircut? It looks nice." Which happens frequently because my hair is short and I get it cut a lot. Some of it might be genuine but I think most of the time it's just what you say to acknowledge a haircut. Sometimes I'm complimented on clothes. Most often when I dress up for things. I think those compliments are genuine. Overall compliments on my appearance don't really do much for me. They certainly don't make me feel like I have accomplished anything.

    Compliments about other things are a lot less frequent and usually make me uncomfortable. Some of them I think are superficial. Some of them I think the other person genuinely believes, but I tend not to see things the same way.

  3. #13
    singularity precursor Limes's Avatar
    Type
    INTJ
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Between USA and UK
    Posts
    6,615
    INTPx Award Winner
    My knee jerk reaction to compliments is usually to wonder why I'm being told whatever it is. Seeking strategic subtext, but sometimes, you know it was just a genuine thing, those are the best.
    I bought a lot of suits recently and made a concerted effort to smarten up for work, regardless of the local dress code and other people dressing casually. One outfit in particular has been complemented twice (by black men, strangely) in both Atlanta and London. I like it myself, a grey or tan slim fit three piece suit with a purple and white striped tie. "lookin' good", "thank you, sir".

    Another time, a coworker arrived sick and I went and fetched them a care bag of groceries and medicine and when I asked for their room number to drop it off. The guy on the front desk started telling me what a great thing that was to do. I didn't think it was a big deal and it's what I would have wanted (maybe even asked for!) in a role reversal. There's little worse than being sick as a dog far from home. I guess I felt appreciated at the recognition.

    If someone calls me intelligent, I really don't value it very highly. I could easily just be citing some memorized bullshit that sounds complicated in a work context, or any fool could master a small topic and then steer the conversation towards their specialty. Impostor syndrome notwithstanding, I generally don't think the observation is warranted, unless you've just pulled off a very impressive mental feat, involving multiple competencies, like a polymath.
    For the most part, I think that people are often exhibiting some kind of Dunning-Kruger effect as you surely have to be intelligent to recognize it in others, in which case, the other person is merely the same (or it's a self flattering loop). If you're intelligent enough know that I'm intelligent, what's the point in pointing it out?

    NOE U ARE!
    I'm brilliant and everyone else is an arse.

  4. #14
    Member MoneyJungle's Avatar
    Type
    INFP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Fool's Paradise
    Posts
    2,630
    INTPx Award Winner
    Everybody hit me up with compliment-ridden personal messages and I'll post the brass tacks in this thread.

    Glimpses do ye seem to see of that mortally intolerable truth; that all deep, earnest thinking is but the intrepid effort of the soul to keep the open independence of her sea; while the wildest winds of heaven and earth conspire to cast her on the treacherous, slavish shore?

  5. #15
    Senior Member Lurker's Avatar
    Type
    INtP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    2,523
    Like any good neurotic, I analyze the motivation behind the compliment:

    1. Most often, people actually enjoy making other people feel good, esp. if they are friends. This is my default reaction. I may or may not believe the compliment is meant as a statement of fact; if the individual has a history of honesty w/out cruelty, and if the compliment could reasonably apply to me ("You could be a model!" Ummmm), it's possible it could brighten my day.

    2. I'm always on guard for the backhanded compliment; these are much nastier than an outright insult. "You used to be a five, but now you're an eight!"; "You could go trick-or-treating with the kids as long as you wore a bag over your head."; "So-and-so doesn't like you, but I do because I truly know you.'; "You don't even know what you look like under your excess weight," later, "You would look awful at 150 pounds!", later, with a quizzical expression and raised eyebrow, "You've lost a lot of weight." Me: "Is it okay, though?" Person: "Well, you've just lost a lot of weight." Another incident, "You have to exercise when you lose weight or you just look haggard and gaunt."

    The kicker: A woman complaining about the detrimental social and physical effects of losing a large amount of weight is "humblebragging." No one has said this to me, but I know that losing weight is highly valued in our society; therefore, it's all black/white. In "The Story of Us," there was a great example of this self-centered thinking. Kate, the obese lady (and I used to be almost that obese) judges a thin girl in her OA group for complaining that she needs to lose weight; as far as Kate sees, her situation is the absolute worst in terms of self-esteem diminished quality of life. If I recall correctly, at one point she wonders if the only guys that like her are "plumper" fetishists." Legitimate concern.




    But -- I think this is more of an issue in females, honestly -- a very narrow range of acceptable weight apparently exists, with no logical foundation. Most of the "You would look awful at...." or "When are you going to plateau?" comments have come from women. I don't want to think that women fit any stereotype. Period. But, my friends happened to gain weight as I lost, and they grew colder towards me. One called me "fat and ugly" when I was around 150. She apologized, but I never spoke with her again, as per my response, "Never contact me again." It seems like they want to inflict insecure feelings, and I feel guilty talking about it because it really does look like "humblebragging," but it certainly isn't. I try to hide myself in a sweatshirt when I see relatives or friends, and I drink lots of water before seeing my doctor.

    Anyway, women really do seem to be nasty about social status and desirability (looks, etc). "If you only...., you would look great!"

    So, I'm wary of those "compliments."

    3. I withhold giving compliments to any paranoid or suspicious person (unless I'm intoxicated). Maybe I'm an outlier here, but I often enjoy pointing out a humble person's strengths or awesome qualities. Sometimes I just want to be expressive and say what I'm thinking. I really hate the "Big, Beautiful Wallô" of cynicism and paranoia. I actually have to suppress myself. Most importantly, people who let cynicism control them may miss out. Sometimes people just mean what they say because they really like such-and-such about you.


  6. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by jigglypuff View Post
    what kind of compliments do you typically get?

    do you believe the compliments? do you see them as mostly superficial social niceties, or do you consider them the truth and therefore little accomplishments?

    how do you tell when a compliment is meaningful?

    what are some things you wish you were complimented more on?
    Certainly appearances, which is in large part because I'm female, and people somehow feel more obliged/compelled to judge women on this front. Interactions at work (yes, I really am INTJ). Things I write for work and pleasure. My ability to speak French, which is mostly really shock because I'm American and not monolingual.

    I stop to consider compliments on anything I've actually worked at as possibly genuine. Most social or ingratiating sorts of compliments are generic, like a salesperson telling you that you have great taste in shoes or something. I do (@works;), but that's not the point. I think it's an accomplishment if it's a meaningful compliment--if it's something I worked for and feel good about, and if the compliment is genuinely meant (by someone who knows me, saying something about something they know something about, for a reason that has nothing to do with buttering me up). Even when they meet this criteria, though, I have a hard time absorbing compliments, internalizing them.

    Hmmmmm....probably my teaching skills. I need to work on those, though.

  7. #17
    Senior Member Spartan26's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    1,493
    Quote Originally Posted by jigglypuff View Post
    what kind of compliments do you typically get?
    Appearance, which I attribute to mostly being in jeans & T-shirts that anything else, not necessarily anything fancy, sticks out to people. My cooking. Writing/creative. Being dedicated and my prayers.

    Quote Originally Posted by jigglypuff View Post
    do you believe the compliments? do you see them as mostly superficial social niceties, or do you consider them the truth and therefore little accomplishments?
    For the most part I believe but sometimes Iíll try to weigh their enthusiasm. If I prepare some food and get a compliment, I'd appreciate it but not dwell on it because, yes, it is polite. Sometimes, if itís a really robust compliment, I may wonder if itís because they really, really liked it or just surprised that it wasnít sucky. Sometimes I may get an anecdote about something I made so that tends to be a good indication it's true. Seeing people go back for 2nds or hearing that they ate too much I know is sincere. I had the best one right before Christmas. Everyone brings in food & sweets for the holidays and I was looking at a counter full of desserts after lunch and my office crush walks by and says, ďOhh my god! You HAVE TO try some of the chocolate cream pie! So good!Ē she said, not realizing I was the one who made it.

    I think as one gets older, the compliments for the sake of politeness or encouragement come less frequently, at least for men, so Iím more apt to take them as being at least slightly more sincere that being just a stock greeting. Hearing something more than once also helps validate things in my head. Iíve gotten compliments from clothes purchased from Ross & Marshalls and women have said I smelled nice when all I did was wash with Irish Spring, which may seem like just being polite but if I see them a lot and they donít normally say something, Iíll know those products are worth keeping.

    Quote Originally Posted by jigglypuff View Post
    how do you tell when a compliment is meaningful?
    You mean, the person giving the compliment got something out of what Iíve done and so responding to it? I guess the detail in which they give it. Like, "I was really in a bad mood until I got your email" kind of thing.

    Or did you mean meaningful to me? I guess if it causes me to repeat the behavior or action.

    Quote Originally Posted by jigglypuff View Post
    what are some things you wish you were complimented more on?
    IDK, Iím just happy to get any. I do get embarrassed. Itís nice to know how people see me or notice something Iíve done. I certainly am not doing things for attention. But, like, after some workshop or speaker series someone may come up to me and say that I ask great questions. Itís not something one tries to do to make an impression. Well, wait, no, scratch that. Anytime thereís some screening or forum or something where thereíll be a hefty contingency of actors present, they will try to make it about them and seem so enlightened. I guess itís nice to be complimented on something I wouldnít think would be that significant. Those might point to something else, like intelligence or dedication. I think people tend to compliment more things you do so when something comes thatís based more of who I am, itís a bit more heartfelt. Wait, is that what you meant for the previous question?

  8. #18
    Senior Member Lurker's Avatar
    Type
    INtP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    2,523
    Quote Originally Posted by jigglypuff View Post
    what kind of compliments do you typically get?
    smart, funny, mellow

    Compliments are fewer in number as one gets older. I watched it happen with my grandmother and father, and now I'm seeing it with my mom. Actually, I find that extremely sad.

    do you believe the compliments? do you see them as mostly superficial social niceties
    This is just a script. It means nothing, like "How are you?"


    [quotes]or do you consider them the truth and therefore little accomplishments?[I'm/quote]

    Not if I'm in a tipping situation.

    how do you tell when a compliment is meaningful?
    Explained

    [/quote]what are some things you wish you were complimented more on?[/QUOTE]

    irl, I wish my family would acknowledge that I'm kind and caring. I express it differently. They are Fs, so I'm called cold and harsh, which I respond to by withdrawing even more. I bought my mom a car and cover Christmas and tutoring for J

    I would not sacrifice for people I didn't care about


  9. #19
    Your Huckleberry lethe's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    1,146
    From strangers/acquaintances it's understandably about my appearance. Mostly my hair, but also my posture and how I dress (I prefer dresses).

    I think it's less about actually liking my hair/dress/posture and more about pointing out that it's different and sticks out. Like a child might exclaim, "You have purple in your hair!" (Uh, yeah, I know, thanks kid) But an adult translates the same sentiment to a compliment.

    The dress one is a mixed bag. Sometimes it's almost like an accusation of being snooty, like, "why so fancy?" And I assume I'm making them uncomfortable or like they are underdressed. I can hear the sneer in the voice of a "wow, you are always dressed so nice..."


    I hate compliments on my intelligence or my vocabulary. Either they are pointing it out because they think I'm trying to be perceived that way and are letting me on the head, are somehow surprised that I'm not as dumb as they thought, or are threatened somehow. People who actually appreciate it don't point it out, they just start talking to you more in depth and say appreciative things like, "I'm glad I can have these kind of conversations with you..."

    I get complimented on my creativity sometimes by ppl who aren't creative.

    I LOVE being called funny, and always believe it. (The laughter helps) I believe compliments on my food, though mostly take them as a "thank you" gesture rather than a judgement of quality.

    I appreciate when those I'm close to call me kind, insightful, or brave. I trust them.
    Don't remember changing this.

  10. #20
    fluctuating Obfuscate's Avatar
    Type
    iNtP
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    washington... this sometimes changes withought planning...
    Posts
    1,142
    what kind of compliments do you typically get?

    Spoiler: 1.
    depends on the source
    women i know: appearance (aka "you look hawt)", kindness, good listener, intelligence
    men i know: loyal, helpful, intelligence, good listener, nihilism (that one is strange to me)
    women i don't know: eyes, hair/beard, clothes, polite
    men i don't know: beard, taste in music/media (due to clothes)


    do you believe the compliments? do you see them as mostly superficial social niceties, or do you consider them the truth and therefore little accomplishments?

    Spoiler: 2.
    women i know 75%, men i know 85%,
    women i don't know 65%, men i don't know 85%...
    when i say believe, what i mean is that it seems like the person is honest about their perception of me...
    i think people often use compliments to adjust my mood... sometimes for their own benefit and other times for my benefit...


    how do you tell when a compliment is meaningful?

    Spoiler: 3.
    i guess like everyone else... i think about what that person has to gain from me... i think of what they think i may make them lose... i consider if it aligns with my view of myself... when i feel good about myself more compliments seem genuine than when i don't...


    what are some things you wish you were complimented more on?
    Spoiler: 4.
    i don't want to think about that; it is uncomfortable (so are most compliments)...
    "The vanity of intelligence is that the intelligent man is often more committed to 'one-upping' his opponent than being truthful. When the idea of intelligence, rather than intelligence itself, becomes a staple, there is no wisdom in it."
    Criss Jami

    "When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion."
    "Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving."
    Dale Carnegie

Similar Threads

  1. [Article] Why Men Can't Take Compliments
    By Mxx in forum Psychology & Sociology
    Replies: 43
    Last Post: 01-13-2014, 12:11 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •