Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 36

Thread: ESFJ m-i-l

  1. #21
    Vacantly Occupied rincon's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    By the beach
    Posts
    694
    @OP: I'm so sorry. Been there, done that.

  2. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by flurps View Post
    Same. Luckily she is 5000+ miles away now. It's good but much like Dracula she never stays gone forever.
    She has been here for about 8 months and we thoroughly hate each other. She sacrifices herself to take care of the kid at nobody's behest, won't let anybody else hold her and then blames us all when she gets overly worn out from that and also being woken up in the middle of the night when the baby squirms because she refuses to put her in her crib. She won't let my mom help take care of it because she "makes the baby constipated" yet resents her for not helping and expects her to pay for everything as compensation and throws fits when she doesn't, then blames it on me because I was dumb enough to study her language at one point. She hovers over me and tells me exactly what to do every time she is forced to give me the baby when she needs to bathe or shit. She acts as if this is her only child and me, my wife and my mom are just interlopers. She is the ultimate lose-lose situation creator, enthusiastically fucking herself over for no reason so she can have somebody to yell at.

    Her husband meanwhile is back home throwing a year long party for himself and barely returning phone calls. She brags about how much everybody at work loved her and can't seem to wrap her head around how everybody in her family but her sister seems to hate her guts. She figures that must mean she's a martyr.

    If she weren't such a good nanny I'd punch her in the face and throw her down the basement stairs, then take a flying leap onto her back, wrench her head off and mount it on a bamboo pike in between a pair of tiki torches on the roof over my front door.

  3. #23
    Senior Member Linnea's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Finland
    Posts
    1,458
    My sister probably is one. I love her but the drama in my life went down noticeably after we didn't live in the same address anymore. She's rather volatile, though the volatility follows a predictable pattern. She's very dependable, great at organising things and taking care of practical matters, loves gossip and traditions and gets very bored every time I get excited about something interesting I found out recently.

  4. #24
    Member INTP_Polly's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Inside my head usually
    Posts
    277
    More than a few ESFJs on my family. Omg I want to move away sometimes. They understand right and wrong not different. They can put a lot of unnecessary pressure on INTPs. Sure they do a lot but it's mostly because they are so needy. Accepting their help feels like walking into an obligatory trap. If you accept their help and don't behave like they want, you are doomed. ..If you don't accept their help they are hurt once again....doomed. You will have to bend because even when they do, it comes with strings attached. I find the best way to get along with them is at a distance

  5. #25
    Oh man, I think I've fucked the relationship with my m-i-l permanently and I didn't even mean to. I didn't give her a signed copy of my book ... a year ago. Of course when I give one of "my" books away, I have to purchase it from the llc that I own with my business partner/coauthor and pay taxes on both ends. Everyone else in the family bought my book (like clamored to be the first to do so kind of thing) and then asked me to sign it, because, you know, support an artist and all that shit, and then most of them went ahead and got the ebook too. The level of hurt she is over this is at least an 11. Because, and I quote, "She's done so much for us and now we treat her like a customer." Funny part is I was a little sad that she didn't buy the book, but I got over it. Anyway, she's expressed to my husband that this is a big deal to her in terms of where we stand. I don't think I'll ever be forgiven. I'm actually saddened by this. Here I thought we were getting along.

    Maybe the fact that she said, "You aren't planning to start writing another one unless this one sells, are you?" when I told her I was published has a little something to do with the fact that I didn't think she was particularly interested in the fucking thing. I mean it's YA urban fantasy. I'm not even in the target audience and I'm nerdy as hell. I sell it at comic cons and she thinks "nerdy" is an insult on the same level as "bitch."

    Plus, when we sell one of our convention copies instead of an amazon copy, we don't get the boost to our seller rank.

    Anyway, goddammit. I wrote a book and she somehow managed to make it all about her. Classic narcissist.
    Insults are effective only where emotion is present. -- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" Stardate 3468.1.

    It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. -- Aristotle

  6. #26
    TJ TeresaJ's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Location
    mosquito-infested hell
    Posts
    3,485
    Maybe it won't be that bad if you can do something even more thoughtful to make up for it. Something over the top that fits her interests. The trick is that it has to be something she'll actually be impressed by that also seems genuine.

    ...Learned this the hard way from years with my ISFJ.

  7. #27
    Quote Originally Posted by TeresaJ View Post
    Maybe it won't be that bad if you can do something even more thoughtful to make up for it. Something over the top that fits her interests. The trick is that it has to be something she'll actually be impressed by that also seems genuine.

    ...Learned this the hard way from years with my ISFJ.
    Well if my goal was simply to make her like me that might work. I'm not kissing the ring. She's not the bloody queen and I didn't actually do anything terrible to her. I've only just gotten her to stop trying to tell me what to wear....and you know maybe that's what this is about. I've stopped letting her make me miserable. There was a very fancy event that she invited me a couple of years ago that I could not afford to dress for and I let her dress me up like some sort of awful mannequin in clothes I didn't want to be caught dead in. If I'd died in this shit, my family wouldn't have been able to identify the body...it was that far away from anything I would have voluntarily put on, but it was easier than fighting with her. I was in utter misery for a week and I realized that I'd let us get to this by constantly kowtowing to her whims because the alternative is her finding ways to make me the bad guy and finding ways to make everyone miserable. So I stopped doing things that were anathema to me to make her happy, and for a while it seemed like it was going to be fine...but it is starting again.

    My husband just went 2 weeks without calling her probably for the first time in his life...that probably had something to do with it too.
    Insults are effective only where emotion is present. -- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" Stardate 3468.1.

    It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. -- Aristotle

  8. #28
    Senior Member Sinny's Avatar
    Type
    INTP
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Location
    Birmingham, UK
    Posts
    4,422
    That sucks... I recently had the same sort of crap with Rev's mom who was offended that I hadn't gotten any photo's of her with the kid. (despite the fact the only opportunity at that point was the day I gave birth - and the last thing on my mind at that point was taking photographs)... I'm not sure if she is an ESFJ, but she's definitely ESXJ. She also asked me not to include Rev's dad & wife in the family photo album (I told her I wouldn't because I try to be a people pleaser, but I have and will on the sly - because I don't believe in following unreasonable demands). She also keeps buying the kid things (I think that as there's two eager nans involved makes it some sort of competition as to who's the most supportive), but in styles I wouldn't dream of. She's just bought a high chair with colourful dinosaurs all over it - (I would have chosen something more pleasing to the adult eye). But she has picked up on the fact that I hate pink and frilly/patterned designs and has told me she'll bare that in mind... But as demonstrated recently when she bought us some cot bedding, I'm more likely to just agree with her choices than to sit there and debate personal taste. (to get the conversation/interaction over with as quickly as possible).

    My mom is an ESFJ though, and she can be every bit as insufferable as your MIL. She's completely narcissistic, loves the sound of her own voice, and most the time thinks the world revolves around her.... Since she quit the booze, she tries to be more human, but occasionally the narcissism is still hard to miss.

    Me & Bestie house shared with our two ESFJ friends the once, why we thought that would be a good idea, we'll never know. They liked to host and to be "warm and accommodating", but it always came with some unreasonable demands, over reactions, fraught emotions and plenty of guilt trips. *shudders* never again.
    Those who begin coercive elimination of dissent soon find themselves exterminating dissenters. Compulsory unification of opinion achieves only the unanimity of the graveyard.

    ~ Robert Jackson, Statesman (1892-1954)


  9. #29
    I googled aging narcissist parent and found a gazillion articles that are so spot on. Oh man are we in for it. I'm scared.

    I'm pretty sure I've just waded into the territory of #4 in this article about things a narcissist will never do: https://narcissistfamilyfiles.com/20...will-never-do/

    For the same reason the narcissist does not apologize, he also never forgives. To him, everyone represents a potential threat to be defeated, and he is hypervigilant to perceived or (more rarely) real attack. Life is a battle zone, and the narcissist is always fighting for his survival. Narcissists regard any kind of hurt as cause for retaliation and revenge. If someone apologizes to them (often in a misguided attempt to end conflict), narcissists see it as proof of their superiority and may take the opportunity to further punish that person for whatever s/he may or may not have done wrong. Genuine forgiveness is not part of the narcissist’s emotional lexicon, fundamentally because the narcissist cannot forgive himself.
    Insults are effective only where emotion is present. -- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" Stardate 3468.1.

    It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. -- Aristotle

  10. #30
    malarkey oxyjen's Avatar
    Type
    INtP
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    2,572
    My mother-in-law is definitely an extroverted feeler, but I'm not quite sure of her type beyond that. We are polar opposites in terms of personality. Fortunately she has good enough boundaries that if I do something that she doesn't like, she manages her emotions well enough and I don't end up hearing about it. I don't think my husband does either.

    The relationship between daughter and mother-in-law is so fucked up though. What other relationship is there where you a relative stranger is supposed to be one of the 'closest' people in terms of family? (Well in my case mine was a relative stranger as his parents lived states away, which also complicates things as it would be so much easier to have a couple hour dinner as our contact rather than having to spend days on end with each other and get on each others' nerves endlessly).

    Mine gets on my nerves because she's a bit of a control freak, in a "Minnesota nice" kind of way. I read a level of passive aggression in some of her tendencies that she denies--she's just being 'helpful.' My own parents treat me more like a fellow adult, starting at 18 or so, while my mother-in-law treats me like I'm her child daughter at times. Like once I was cooking something for her and the family in my own kitchen and she opened the oven door right after I had put it in, and shoved it a couple more inches back so it would be in the center of the oven and cook more evenly. I was just like "......".

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •