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Thread: Roast me? Sure, why not. If you dare!

  1. #41
    Colymbosathon ecplecticos
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Quote Originally Posted by stigmatica View Post
    I'd say the best roast in this thread was Sinny. As for the darker side, Limes got you far out trumped so far. Bonus points for the next one though. Make it clever!
    We have different tastes.

    Oxyjen and Limes planted the seeds for me BTW.

  2. #42
    facta non verba interprétation erronée's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    Stimatica was sent an unassuming piece of mail resembling a postcard. When he turned it over it said had been included in a multi-million dollar class action lawsuit settlement involving faulty airbags. "Hm... oh yeah.", he had been violently rear ended in traffic a while back he thought, but hadn't recognized until then how the airbag failed to deploy. Stigs had injured his neck and even though his insurance footed the bill he missed some work pay. In order to get a piece of the pie all he had to do was contact a lawyer. Instantly in vehement hatred Stigs waved a fist and hollered, "Lawyers are rapacious greedy shysters! They're all scumbags that deserve be impaled on Beelzebub's pitchfork and rot in hell!". Stigs remembered he didn't believe in eternal torment, a devil, or even a God. He had the childhood misfortune of being forced to attend Sunday school and hated every bit of it. Just then Stigs smugly spit a thick loogie on the carpet. The loogie sat there in a tiny puddle until his dog emerged to lap it up. For thrills Stig worked up even more phlegm and hawked a bigger loogie, only it landed on the dog's fur. Stigs was rational not a superstitious weakling. So he modified his angry tirade, "Lawyers are rapacious greedy shysters, they're all scumbags and deserve to die a slow painful death." Stigs hated lawyers because as a kid one afternoon this fancily dressed criminal lawyer approached where he and his friends were playing. The lawyer began handing out silver dollars and when he got to Stigs he asked, "Do you get good grades and attend Sunday school like a good boy?". Stigs replied with a noetic grin "You're a liar. You defend bad people!". The lawyer slapped Stigs so hard he temporarily lost his southern drawl and has had grudge against lawyers ever since. Stigs' dog was idiotically turning circles by now trying to lick the loogie off it's tail when Stigs bent down in a fit of rage and stomped the dogs skull in. He stood up and howled, turning to reveal a giant dragon tattoo on his back. Then he loaded up his van and drove the city combing the night life for a victim to inculcate. He saw a shivering roundheaded midget from Chiapas. He parked at the curb and wiggled a packet of taco sauce from the window. The little Mexican couldn't resist and climbed into the front seat where Stigs quickly shoved the immigrant into a pillow case. When Stigs got back home he opened the pillow case and made the Mexican clean up the dead dog. Later on the Mexican became Stigs' house boy where he still does chores and occasional favors. Stigs still wonders how much pie he could've gotten if he'd contacted a lawyer. But heck. He's got plenty of pie nowadays... Mexican pie that is.

    Great punchline right? Haha, "Mexican pie that is."
    Quote Originally Posted by Limes View Post
    Jan Bonclay
    “If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.” ― Malcolm X

  3. #43
    Colymbosathon ecplecticos
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Quote Originally Posted by BarIII View Post
    When he couldn't find a vet to give his dog Angel a sex change he bought a Shar Pei and a box of rubber bands.
    I still like this one.

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