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Thread: Can a Man and a Woman Be Friends?

  1. #21
    Sysop Ptah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sistamatic View Post
    Even so, I'm more wary around people with certain cultural backgrounds...i.e. pentecostals. If a guy says he can't be expected to control himself around me, I'm not going to miss the meeting, but I am bringing pepper spray.
    Unfortunately, that I can understand. It is one thing to say what people can -- and so should -- be, in this sense. It is another to observe how often everyone fucks up, as such. How often people allow themselves to be children and/or animals (and thereby treat others as such), rather than live as human beings, and afford other people that same respect.

    Nonetheless, just because most of the planet fucks it up doesn't mean it is fucked up by nature. People can and so should do better. Individually, culturally, I don't care. All the same.

    Any argument that purports friendship as impossible (or a priori problematic) between any two people is more an indictment of one or both of the people involved, as I see it. You're arguing a problem in the mindset of the people, not in the nature of human friendships or any particular demographical category of the people involved (man/woman, etc).

  2. #22
    Global Moderator Polemarch's Avatar
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    Men and women can be friends. I personally think that attraction to one's friends is normal and expected, since the proximity and closeness deeply enhances whatever attraction was going to be there in the beginning (if any). There is no reason there should be any real restrictions on how or where they can hang out together, other than not crossing the boundaries of physical intimacy or an excess of emotional intimacy. So long as they aren't putting the friend's confidence ahead of the SO's confidence (i.e. so long as they aren't betraying secrets to the friend that they wouldn't share with their SO) it's cool.

    I have plenty of female friends that are in relationships (i.e. marriages or otherwise) that, sure I might be attracted to in some sense, but that I realize are in a relationship, and thus, that I never get too emotionally or physically infatuated with. I'm a human being who can reason and think, there's no reason I can't partition my feelings.

    So the whole "men and women can't REALLY be friends" thing is kinda bunko imo.

    Now if we're defining friendship as this close BFF type of intimacy, then yeah it can get weird and inappropriate. So it's really just a question of human frailty, not whether or not it's possible.
    We didn't land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on us.

  3. #23
    Noble Asshole Horatio's Avatar
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    It seems that men and women can be friends without any problem as long as physical contact is kept to the barest minimum. Trouble tends to start when you begin regularly touching/hugging outside of saying hello/goodbye.

  4. #24
    Hasta Siempre Madrigal's Avatar
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  5. #25
    The Pompatus of Love C.J.Woolf's Avatar
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    Horatio + Madrigal = "You can't handle. The truth!"
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  6. #26
    Sysop Ptah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Horatio View Post
    It seems that men and women can be friends without any problem as long as physical contact is kept to the barest minimum. Trouble tends to start when you begin regularly touching/hugging outside of saying hello/goodbye.
    Which would be weird in any friendship, in my opinion.

  7. #27
    Hasta Siempre Madrigal's Avatar
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    The question is not whether I can control myself, but why I would want a man as a friend.

    I think that when it comes to the sex we're attracted to, there comes a certain point in a close friendship where it develops into romantic feelings, if one wants to take that friendship to its natural consequences. I guess there are people who would say "not my type" for various reasons, but I don't have a type, so if I bother to develop a close relationship with a straight man, there's only one direction it's going, in my opinion.

    Doesn't mean I can't have limited friendships and acquaintanceships with men. There can be millions of reaons to hang out without it meaning anything (work, catching up with an old acquaintance/friend/ex-that-isn't-crazy, getting information or assistance on something, having an offline meet-up, whatever). But am I gonna call up a guy I know and ask him out to the movies just because? Hell will freeze over.

    It's not that I've tried friendzoning men who were not in the mood to be friendzoned, and now I wanna complain about it. I simply don't want to be their friend. There is no friendzone for them in my life. If it isn't a relationship or en route to becoming one, then the "friendship" with a man is going to be very limited.
    Everything under heaven is in utter chaos; the situation is excellent. - Mao

  8. #28
    Dr.Awkward Robcore's Avatar
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    My wife tends to be a bit on the insecure side from time to time, with self esteem issues and a J tendency to question whether or not she even deserves to be with me...to a point where she'll occasionally imagine how my life would be if I was with someone else. Given that context, I don't think I would pursue a friendship with a female, simply because it might be difficult for my wife to deal with. That said, I barely put in the effort to sustain the 3 or 4 good friendships that I have with guys...so I don't feel that excluding the possibility of a female friend other than my wife is a sacrifice of some sort...just a courtesy that I'm happy to extend, passively for now, and actively should there ever be a benefit to doing so.

    That being said, I do have female friends who are firstly my wife's friends...I just don't have a relationship with them where I'd call them up on my own to do something.
    ...the origin of emotional sickness lay in people’s belief that they were their personalities...
    "The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong." ~Carl Jung

  9. #29
    creator kari's Avatar
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    Question:

    Would you be uncomfortable with your SO regularly having one-on-one dinner with their friend (opposite sex for heteros, and same sex for gay?)
    I fucking hate the cold! - Wim Hof

    Check out my art. https://www.instagram.com/karililt/

  10. #30
    unbeknownst Lilith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PureViolence View Post
    edit: this debate is stupid
    I rather frame it as a discussion than a debate.

    I read what you wrote. We get women are more than willing to spread their legs for you. You don't have to rub it in, bro. You are too cruel.
    We cling to our past as if they define us. What we do defines us.

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