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Thread: ISFP man needs more...than I can give?

  1. #1
    Member Garbage_Doll's Avatar
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    ISFP man needs more...than I can give?

    I just started sort of dating an ISFP. Well, we are casually seeing each other.

    He has taken the test. He is the one who actually brought up MBTI.
    He looked at an INTP profile and thought all my social obliviousness and emotional low maintenance qualities sounded ďcuteĒ. Right now heís enthralled at what a ďunique womanĒ I am.

    Of course, a few weeks in and heís also complaining that he canít tell if Iím into him or not. Because I donít text him all day long.... I told him Iím not a multitasker and so when Iím doing other stuff I donít think to contact people. I focus intently on what Iím doing. That also means when Iím conversing with someone, I am 100% theirs. I am with WITH them when I am with them. Iím not on my phone or thinking about other stuff. This means during a text conversation, I donít switch easily between that and, say, my work or errands Iím running. I will be immersed in whatever is interesting to me.

    So I give quality attention, unless someone gets super dull, then I may default to daydreams and pondering the workings of the universe and all that stuff. But heís not boring and we have great conversations where I forget that time is passing.

    But after such a conversation, I have no need to talk again immediately the next day. Little check-ins arenít needed either.

    So Iím already feeling like he ultimately may need more than I can give. Hearing these complaints YET AGAIN is frustrating too. At least he didnít call me ďcoldĒ.... In my mind Iím being quite warmly receptive and far more emotionally open than normal. To him, I seem ďdisconnectedĒ.

    I obviously need to learn to navigate this because I consistently attract more emotional, feelery men who want more feedback and attention than I am naturally inclined to give. I look at the strength of a connection in terms of quality, not quantity. And I donít have the verbal gushiness they seem to want.

    Iím not sure why Iím posting this.....just feeling a little down about the continued pattern of hearing that Iím being distant when I think Iím making concerted effort to be more available. Iím always missing some nuance in communication and connection, but I just donít know what it is....

  2. #2
    Hasta Siempre Madrigal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Garbage_Doll View Post
    This means during a text conversation, I don’t switch easily between that and, say, my work or errands I’m running.
    Someone started a thread, I think it was Sistamatic, about how hard it is to regain your concentration on work after a tiny interruption like answering a phone call, and how long before you manage to focus again. It can be quite a long time. This is my plight as well. If I have a lot of work to do, chatting, be it by text or in person, is a recipe for disaster.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hephaestus View Post
    Heh. We've been here years now.

  3. #3
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    How... intelligent/insightful is he? I find that some people see someone who is different (... intps?) and assert in their mind that there is something wrong with them. They will humour you for a while and tolerate you, but eventually insist that you stop doing that. That's not going to work. In that case, just enjoy some good... benefits from the arrangement for as long as your self respect can maintain itself, and then best to face reality and kick him to the curb.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by scarydoor View Post
    How... intelligent/insightful is he? I find that some people see someone who is different (... intps?) and assert in their mind that there is something wrong with them. They will humour you for a while and tolerate you, but eventually insist that you stop doing that. That's not going to work. In that case, just enjoy some good... benefits from the arrangement for as long as your self respect can maintain itself, and then best to face reality and kick him to the curb.
    Something most INTP's know all to well. Some people will find your qualities amusing for a while. But then, eventually, they get bored or frustrated with your differences and want to you be more normal.

    When what we seek is to be understood and accepted for what we are. We may be renowned for our social awkwardness and lack of snazzy dress sense, but you don't get our positives without those things. You're not getting a caring Feeler without having to accept their overreacting emotional side, or accepting that they make illogical decisions. You don't get a confident and commanding ExTJ without their arrogant and often controlling side. You're unlikely to get a bubbly ESFP who'll debate intellectually with you.

  5. #5
    TJ TeresaJ's Avatar
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    Dating a feeler is like riding a roller coaster to hell. Especially a sensor feeler. They don't experience your emotions for themselves so half the time they think you don't feel anything. Repeatedly proving them wrong can slowly build up some trust but it takes a long ass time. Expect epic fights every other week.

    Good luck.

  6. #6
    Senior Member jyng1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Garbage_Doll View Post
    Hearing these complaints YET AGAIN is frustrating too.

    INTPs are supposed to be easy to live with... I guess it's because they're not constantly complaining.

  7. #7
    Member Garbage_Doll's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by scarydoor View Post
    How... intelligent/insightful is he? I find that some people see someone who is different (... intps?) and assert in their mind that there is something wrong with them. They will humour you for a while and tolerate you, but eventually insist that you stop doing that. That's not going to work. In that case, just enjoy some good... benefits from the arrangement for as long as your self respect can maintain itself, and then best to face reality and kick him to the curb.
    Heís pretty smart and insightful. Heís a very good conversationalist, but in my experience, SFPs have a knack for making people feel special and fascinating as long as theyíre chasing you. But their charge for that is needing a lot of praise and attention.

    I thought he was an INFx at first because he has an interest in new agey stuff thatís rather abstract. He identifies as a sensing type strongly though. Right now he finds all the differences ďfascinatingĒ. Heís very verbally gushy. Itís nice, but itís hard for me to return. He brought up the love languages thing and his is verbal and mine is....wait for it....quality time! He was like ďwow thatís easy to giveĒ. Yep...low maintenance! And I have to emphasize to people that quality >>>> quantity.

    I donít like meeting new people and am not an infatuation junkie, so the casual phase is not so great to me....Iíd actually like to get to that place where you are comfortable and take each other for granted a bit, haha. But also I donít like to rush and am not placing high expectations on this.

    Quote Originally Posted by Revenant View Post
    Something most INTP's know all to well. Some people will find your qualities amusing for a while. But then, eventually, they get bored or frustrated with your differences and want to you be more normal.

    When what we seek is to be understood and accepted for what we are. We may be renowned for our social awkwardness and lack of snazzy dress sense, but you don't get our positives without those things. You're not getting a caring Feeler without having to accept their overreacting emotional side, or accepting that they make illogical decisions. You don't get a confident and commanding ExTJ without their arrogant and often controlling side. You're unlikely to get a bubbly ESFP who'll debate intellectually with you.
    Iím quite a snazzy dresser myself, being one of those arty INTPs. That possibly just adds to the ďaloof bitchĒ impression though, as well as the exoticizing people do to me.

    But yep, I agree otherwise. I already see inconsistencies in his reasoning for his various values, and Iím proud of myself for letting it go. Also I already see how he takes things personally and itís totally out of the blue to me.

    I think that emotionally maturity should help smooth over differences, and I guess thatís something only time can tell you.

    Quote Originally Posted by TeresaJ View Post
    Dating a feeler is like riding a roller coaster to hell. Especially a sensor feeler. They don't experience your emotions for themselves so half the time they think you don't feel anything. Repeatedly proving them wrong can slowly build up some trust but it takes a long ass time. Expect epic fights every other week.

    Good luck.
    Yep, I grew up surrounded by SFs and I was accused of not feeling anything but yet also being temperamental.

    The SFPs are generally easier for me to deal with than the SFJs. They seem more ready to accept that not everyone has the same internal experience or that it manifests differently.
    The emotional maturity and self awareness factors are pretty big with making this stuff work. I always think that patterns occur to spur the process of maturing and becoming more aware.

    I was also quite smitten with this ISFJ man recently because I thought he was all mysterious, but really heís just kind of boring and passive. Heís just ridiculously attractive. But I see a similar poutiness that was in an INFJ ex and I donít want to deal with that kind of self absorped victimhood again. The ISFP at least thinks Iím fascinating :P.

  8. #8
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    if he's true isfp not some indie idiot istj then buy some tickets for a blink 182 concert and enjoy it with him.
    you don't have to be distant if you are just jumping around with him.
    you can be distant if you are alive next to him.
    go on
    and live.

  9. #9
    malarkey oxyjen's Avatar
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    Check in first with your feelings. Obviously he's in the infatuation stage with you; do you feel likewise? Obviously we know what your present level of communication means to your isfp (that you're disinterested), but you need to ask yourself is it normal for you in an early stage of a relationship?

    If you feel you are not entirely sure about this relationship, then I'd end it. This is an issue that will only get worse instead of better.

    If you are feeling infatuated and are interested in pursuing the relationship, maybe there is a compromise that can work for you both. Maybe take texting off the table completely for most of the day--give him some other excuse, so he won't take it personally. Then find a workaround that puts you in control of communicating on specific terms, rather than him contacting you whenever (seriously, I hate cell phones for putting this horrible expectation on people that they should be capable of being reached at any moment of the day). I remember in my dating days I'd have gmail open at my workdesk, and green meant I could chat, but otherwise I wasn't available. I doubt gmail chat is even a thing, but whatever app the youths are up to....

    Good luck.

  10. #10
    Member Garbage_Doll's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PureViolence View Post
    if he's true isfp not some indie idiot istj then buy some tickets for a blink 182 concert and enjoy it with him.
    you don't have to be distant if you are just jumping around with him.
    you can be distant if you are alive next to him.
    go on
    and live.
    Blink 182 would be a good way to make me break up with him....right now itís long distance, otherwise yeah, hanging out in person may reduce the need for lots of texting.

    Heís quite interesting and intelligent, so itís not annoying ďwhatcha doinĒ crap at least. I block and delete those men. Like he started a conversation today about the subconscious mind*. And then he lets me monologue about it. Haha!

    *this is why I kept thinking he was INFP

    Quote Originally Posted by oxyjen View Post
    Check in first with your feelings. Obviously he's in the infatuation stage with you; do you feel likewise? Obviously we know what your present level of communication means to your isfp (that you're disinterested), but you need to ask yourself is it normal for you in an early stage of a relationship?

    If you feel you are not entirely sure about this relationship, then I'd end it. This is an issue that will only get worse instead of better.

    If you are feeling infatuated and are interested in pursuing the relationship, maybe there is a compromise that can work for you both. Maybe take texting off the table completely for most of the day--give him some other excuse, so he won't take it personally. Then find a workaround that puts you in control of communicating on specific terms, rather than him contacting you whenever (seriously, I hate cell phones for putting this horrible expectation on people that they should be capable of being reached at any moment of the day). I remember in my dating days I'd have gmail open at my workdesk, and green meant I could chat, but otherwise I wasn't available. I doubt gmail chat is even a thing, but whatever app the youths are up to....

    Good luck.
    I have no idea what Iím feeling. I will try to check in. I think Iím mostly curious and flattered right now, and I like our conversations when theyíre not too often, haha.

    His solution now is to tell me I have no pressure to text back right away. I guess heís treating it more like emailing than instant messaging.

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