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Thread: Non-Romantic Betrayal, Let's Talk About It

  1. #1
    eyeing you rabbit warrior kitsune's Avatar
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    Non-Romantic Betrayal, Let's Talk About It

    Sucks when you suddenly realize one of your best friends is taking advantage of you. And it really sucks when you retrospectively start to see all those red flags you were in denial about and begin to realize they've been taking advantage of you for a while. But the worst part is when they don't even just ask you straight up to give them your resources but create some theatrical setup to trick you into doing it. I'm pretty disappointed.

    Considering the previous one tricked me out of 2000 EUR, I seem to have a pattern of selecting BFFs that use me.*

    Which makes me wonder what I am doing wrong.

    When the former BFF stole money from me 6 or 7 years ago, I called my dad and complained. My dad told me if someone was going to steal from you, it will always be a best friend. You wouldn't even consider lending that much money to someone you barely know. Only a best friend is close enough to you to be able to get you to do that.

    * Both of these same-city face-to-face best friends were using me but also both were really good at building me up when I was feeling emotionally insecure. I knew I could call them or meet them and they would immediately start listing off my positive qualities reminding me I'm a good person when I was feeling down on myself. They were great emotional support. And with the current best friend, we did a lot of fun stuff together and she was the main person encouraging me and inspiring me artistically in the last couple of years. So, I can accept that there are two parallel realities: One true reality is that she was/is using me. The other true reality is that she was/is a good friend.

    The problem is that trust is fragile. And I know myself well enough to know I will never be able to look at her again without a veil of suspicion of being used for my car, my equipment, my free labor, my money.

    I tried to talk to her today about what happened on Saturday and how I didn't like the way she treated me or the rudeness her boyfriend dished out at me when I said no. She was defensive and only wanted to talk about how horrible I am for not doing what she wanted me to do and how I can't expect empathy or understanding.
    Last edited by kitsune; 07-23-2018 at 09:28 PM. Reason: grammar

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  2. #2
    Member Thoth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kitsune View Post
    Sucks when you suddenly realize one of your best friends is taking advantage of you. And it really sucks when you retrospectively start to see all those red flags you were in denial about and begin to realize they've been taking advantage of you for a while. But the worst part is when they don't even just ask you straight up to give them your resources but create some theatrical setup to trick you into doing it. I'm pretty disappointed.
    I often find such theatrics are a means for the abuser to assuage their own guilt, as if a convincing story is an adequate proxy for penitence. I've found that good people rarely ask for help, or small favors while they shoulder their big problems on their own.

    Quote Originally Posted by kitsune View Post
    When the former BFF stole money from me 6 or 7 years ago, I called my dad and complained. My dad told me if someone was going to steal from you, it will always be a best friend. You wouldn't even consider lending that much money to someone you barely know. Only a best friend is close enough to you to be able to get you to do that.
    Cynical, but true. My take away would be how well do you really know your closest friends? I don't know the most intimate details of mine, but I do know their more practical hardships. If you don't really know what's going on in a friend's life, are they really a friend? You don't have to be an expert to run a confidence scheme, but it's typically very hard for the average person to sell a lie about their immediate lives (the kind that require money from you to fix) if you subject it to some objective scrutiny.

    Quote Originally Posted by kitsune View Post
    * Both of these same-city face-to-face best friends were using me but also both were really good at building me up when I was feeling emotionally insecure. I knew I could call them or meet them and they would immediately start listing off my positive qualities reminding me I'm a good person when I was feeling down on myself. They were great emotional support. And with the current best friend, we did a lot of fun stuff together and she was the main person encouraging me and inspiring me artistically in the last couple of years. So, I can accept that there are two parallel realities: One true reality is that she was/is using me. The other true reality is that she was/is a good friend.
    In my experience, this is the INFP's achilles heel. I've admittedly been suckered by a pretty girl with a good sob story, and I had an ex-girlfriend cheat on me playing similar cards. People who can spot the weakness, and are of the mind to exploit it will mine it for all it's worth because it's easy with our personality type. INFP's are typically agreeable people when you get past their walls and usually easy to get along with, so it's no surprise to me that these people seemed like friends to you, they probably were having a good time, but for them you have simply been a means to an end that served their interest above all else.

    The trick I picked up was learning who is doing it for ulterior motives (like bilking you for money) and who is just unconsciously doing out of some learned behavior with no motive.

    For example, I have a friend who is basically a brother to me. We've grown up together and he refers as such to me as well, but there were times I have been pretty pissed that his actions seem to be out of convenience more than friendship; he only hung out with me when he had nothing better to do and couldn't entertain himself. I grew to learn this wasn't something that ever dawned on him and we had it out for a few years based on me confronting him, but we eventually mended the fence.

    Quote Originally Posted by kitsune View Post
    The problem is that trust is fragile. And I know myself well enough to know I will never be able to look at her again without a veil of suspicion of being used for my car, my equipment, my free labor, my money.
    Yes, and for me at least, it's never been entirely repaired. I've been burned by enough women at this point I'm skeptical of anything approaching more than a business relationship with one. It's not fair, but I am too willing to give trust where it isn't earned. Thinkers seem to have a much easier time with this; simply cut off the offense and think nothing more of it, feelers dwell however, you want answers you're never going to get, so you just have to accept and move on.

    Quote Originally Posted by kitsune View Post
    I tried to talk to her today about what happened on Saturday and how I didn't like the way she treated me or the rudeness her boyfriend dished out at me when I said no. She was defensive and only wanted to talk about how horrible I am for not doing what she wanted me to do and how I can't expect empathy or understanding.
    A very Feeler thing to do. I'm prone to it as well. It rarely goes well, in fact in my personal experience it's never gone well, but you'll figure out who you're real friends are and have some piece of mind in the end. A real friend will seek to make amends, it might take some time, but they'll try to do something even if they're hostile at the moment.

    When I had it out with my oldest friend, we got pretty heated and took some big swings at each other's ego, but neither of us called each other a horrible person. That is telling in my opinion, if this friend of yours went for turning your issue with her behavior into something you're at fault for, and should feel guilty about? That's some narcissistic bullshittery right there.

    Stick to your guns, you've done nothing wrong and don't tolerate that kind of abuse.

  3. #3
    Hasta Siempre Madrigal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kitsune View Post
    Sucks when you suddenly realize one of your best friends is taking advantage of you.
    Story of my life.

    I find that there's one thing in common with these people, though, and that is a socio-economic difference. A lot of my friends and boyfriends were from more working class backgrounds, some of them middle class "bohemian" types too.

    I don't lend money that I'll need (no way am I gonna be waiting for a payment to come back to me), but I have no attachment to it if I think I can help someone else with it. Unfortunately, if you mingle with people who are in dire financial straits all the time, and you have a genuine, altruistic concern for their well-being, you're going to lose money. I've been in these situations many, many times. When the lines between friendship and patronage are blurred. In the case of one of my last boyfriends, I dumped him almost only because he said he was going to not have a place to live soon. Good-fucking-bye, and good luck with that (I mean, I didn't love him, we were just starting out, but yeah, NOPE). Been there done that so many times I just ran for the hills.

    Here's the truly complicated and hurtful thing, though. I think that when you're associating with people in financial trouble, they can be an actual friend and still be leeching off you. Because they have no choice, or at least don't know how else to solve their situation besides asking for help. Because their lives are an endless string of penalties to save (to use a local expression). So for people roped into that kind of dynamic, well, you take the whole package of a friend who's always in hot waters, or you cut off the friendship. I know that if my friend needed help that I could provide, I would offer it. Even without them asking me. But the reality is that sometimes you can't afford to have friendships with people whose lives will always be a precarious mess.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hephaestus View Post
    Heh. We've been here years now.

  4. #4
    Hasta Siempre Madrigal's Avatar
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    Btw, this was the dynamic between Marx and Engels. Of course, not all of your deadbeat friends are going to be Karl Marx.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hephaestus View Post
    Heh. We've been here years now.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Sinny's Avatar
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    I can't relate, I've known all my closest friends 15-22 years.

    And my best friend is always the first person to call me a cunt... I don't need friends who are going to tell me how wonderful I am, that I already know

    Choose better friends... and don't fall for women batting their eyelids.
    Those who begin coercive elimination of dissent soon find themselves exterminating dissenters. Compulsory unification of opinion achieves only the unanimity of the graveyard.

    ~ Robert Jackson, Statesman (1892-1954)


  6. #6
    chaotic neutral shitpost
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    this is hard for me to relate to cuz i haven't had a friendship i'd consider emotionally intimate (totally platonic) since maybe high school.

    i'm very protective of my boundaries, and i start to withdraw (subconsciously?) the moment i feel my boundaries threatened.

    i don't allow emotional dependence to develop in general, from either direction.

    it's important for me to feel like i can trust my friends though. i just very rarely ask for help.

    family is another story. i give them so much of me, it feels so thankless, i feel used and betrayed every single day by the fact that someone decided to bring a baby to life (that turned out to be me!) all those years ago, and they are totally draining. i have barely anything left for anyone else, except my SO. like... i don't even take care of myself lol.

    Quote Originally Posted by kitsune View Post
    I tried to talk to her today about what happened on Saturday and how I didn't like the way she treated me or the rudeness her boyfriend dished out at me when I said no. She was defensive and only wanted to talk about how horrible I am for not doing what she wanted me to do and how I can't expect empathy or understanding.
    idk if this makes me a shitty friend but, to me, this sort of behavior is a friendship dealbreaker. i wouldn't be okay keeping somebody around if they thought being shitty was acceptable and i'm guilty of cutting off "friends" for assuming it's ok to treat me that way.
    Last edited by jigglypuff; 07-24-2018 at 05:45 AM.
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