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Thread: Faux Social Pas

  1. #1
    Meae Musae Servus Hephaestus's Avatar
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    Faux Social Pas

    I recently got an email regarding my Dropbox. For those who don't know, Dropbox is sort of a lowlevel cloudy thing. You have stuff on a cloud server--it's a duplicate of the stuff you have on your own machine. This seems dumb until you think of workflow problems. It's nice to be able to work on a document from any machine you have. Any changes you make to a document in your Dropbox are propogated to any other machine you have a Dropbox account on.

    I tell you that, not to shill for Dropbox, but so you can properly understand the gravitas of the email I just received qua said service.

    The email said, and I quote:

    Quote Originally Posted by Dumbest Fucking Email Since I stopped letting people who think email is for chain letters and forwarded 'funny' things know my email address
    Your Dropbox has been feeling lonely recently :-(
    Not even a fucking period. Ended on an emoticon. It also had a picture of a box covered with cobwebs. I think they were going for 'dejected' or 'neglected', but all they hit was 'looks about right'. Ask me why I don't date sometime. (Don't. It has nothing to do with this. Cardboard boxes aren't people (digital pictures of them even less so) and it is perfectly acceptable to let them gather dust and cobwebs in the garage, holding shit you think you might need someday, but will probably purchase again when that day comes because you can't fucking find the fucking box. You can't do that with people. They'll starve.)

    The sad box picture was labeled 'before'. There was an 'after' picture as well. Apparently, if I shove more shit in my drop box, it will hike to the top of a hill with little flowers below and fluffy clouds above. I'll have you know, that's exactly the sort of thing I'm trying to stop and it's why my garage has a lock on it: to keep my boxes from walking away and frolicking in the field. Fucking boxes.

    But seriously, what is this happy horseshit? I'm supposed to care about the feelings of my digital accounts now? I don't have the energy to manage multiple meatspace friends in the long term. I certainly don't have the time or energy for a digital folder's need for facetime. Fuck you, you exist to store shit. You know what storage is? It's where people put things they don't want to look at right now. The only thing they want to look at less are the the things they put that shit in. That's why real storage boxes are ugly. Because, "Hello storage devices: We fucking hate you".

    We do. We hate storage devices because of the whole dialectic of it. "This thing is too valuable to not have, but I don't need it all the time." Storage devices are the metaphorical ball and chain to which we bind ourselves to 'things' for various purposes. They are containers for broken promises and reminders of how we failed to continue to matter.

    What's that Trophy Boy? You store your Trophies? Why? I bet it's because you know the day is coming when you won't be getting them anymore. It's hoarded glory for the days when you cease to be relevant. You think you'll be nostalgic, but you won't. You'll start out nostalgic, and then you'll start contrasting those glory days--you will, you won't be able to stop it. MVP of 1986? Who the fuck cares, you hit Sally's dog in 2002, and left it's body on the side of road. Employee of the month for three months straight? That's because the boss was banging your girlfriend and keeping you working late so you wouldn't find out. And for all that glorious past: what have you done lately, you increasingly decrepit jackass? There's newborns who can't wipe their own ass with more potential than you now. You're looking at a future of not even being able to wipe your own ass!


    Where was I?

    Ah, right: what are some bullshit social graces you've found yourself pressured to adopt?
    For some, "how", not "why", is the fundamental unit of measure for curiosity. This divergence is neither parallel, nor straight. Where one might have a "why?-5" problem, it might only be a "how?-2" question. But then, there are also many things where the "why?" is immediately obvious but the "how?" is best measured in centuries of perpetual wonder. Both approaches have their drawbacks.

    If one is superior, the other is unaware of it.

    --Meditations on Uncertainty Vol ξ(x)

  2. #2
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    You probably just made some bright-eyed marketing intern fresh out of Georgetown cry.

    Also, try SkyDrive. Less bullshit, 2GB larger storage space, same functionality.

  3. #3
    Mistress Mischievous Lilith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hephaestus View Post
    I'm supposed to care about the feelings of my digital accounts now?
    Yes. Apparently it's Section 8.a of DropBox's Terms and Condition.

  4. #4
    Meae Musae Servus Hephaestus's Avatar
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    Well, whaddaya know?

    Quote Originally Posted by Dropbox TOS

    Section 8.a:

    Thou shalt provide comfort and companionship to thy Dropbox account. Visiting regularly and depositing new treasures. Though shalt listen to thy Dropbox account's feelings and be considerate of thy Dropbox account's unstated needs. When these needs go unmet, thou shalt receive an email detailing thy failures and should'st though continue to fail in thy duties as Companion Curator, lo the very wrath of Digital Hellfire (tm) shall rain down apon thee and thou wilt be smited by the full fury of thy Dropbox account's scorn. Woe unto ye that feel this day apon them for thou wast well warned and there shalt be no forgiveness of shirking thy duties.

    The curses that shalt fall apon thee will be three, and three quests must though complete to lift them--though everafter though wilt be denied to boon of fading memory and the deeds of these quests shall force thee to see things which cannot be unseen!

    The first curse is of Eldritch nature, writing threads apon your very core. Though shalt not know which thread shall next be chosen nor shalt though be able to perceive the weave--neither warp nor weft, until lo, the shuttle has passed beyond thy grasp and thy drive everywhere thy account didst reach shall be tangled into myriad fragments.

    The second curse is born of Light and every long life bulb though dost purchase is doomed to less life than the cheapest incandescent. They shall not be snuffed by hands other than thine, but thou shalt be unable to forbear attempting to ignite them yourself. Take care for some 1:1000000 wilt burst and there will be shards that mightest striketh thee or those near thee at the time of the snuffing--you agree to indemnify Dropbox and take total blame for any injury that might arise as secondary consequence to the consequences of thy negligence. Miscreant.

    The third curse is of Fibrous nature--no matter how much fiber thou dost consume, thou wilt have periodic bouts of constipation. Most will cleareth themselves, albeit painfully, leading to much wailing and gnashing of teeth and bloody stools. But every 1000th such event endured wilt require medical intervention, the cost of which the account user is solely responsible.

    To relieve the burden of these heinous curses thou must complete three quests.

    First, thou must legitimately attain a record high number on a particularly foul and odious site, whose url has lead many an unfortunate to mistakenly thinketh they have discovered a rotisserie webcam. They were both right and so very very wrong.

    Second, thou must generate an Euler walk that traverses all known derivations of goatse--all known at the time of the undertaking. This shalt include corporate logos.

    Thirdly, thou must convince thy Dropbox account of thy contrition through three acts of devotion.

    First, purchase a premium account.

    Second, Purchase a premium account of equal or lesser value to cohabitate with thy neglected Dropbox account so that it might never again be lonely.

    Thirdly, thou must complete 10 free offers and get thy dropbox a free iPhone.
    Damn. Seems like an awful lot of trouble--and remarkably archaic. I suspect it was originally carved in stone.
    For some, "how", not "why", is the fundamental unit of measure for curiosity. This divergence is neither parallel, nor straight. Where one might have a "why?-5" problem, it might only be a "how?-2" question. But then, there are also many things where the "why?" is immediately obvious but the "how?" is best measured in centuries of perpetual wonder. Both approaches have their drawbacks.

    If one is superior, the other is unaware of it.

    --Meditations on Uncertainty Vol ξ(x)

  5. #5
    Mistress Mischievous Lilith's Avatar
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    lol. I hate you.



    Protip: When installing applications, remember to uncheck the email subscription to updates or similar. So that they'll not bother you with those dumb emails. And yes, that email was quite dumb.

    I'm actually giving you a protip! Surprise of the century! ha :P

    Go for Google Drive. 15GB storage is the bomb. I have DropBox as well with 2GB. Not impressive at all.
    Last edited by Lilith; 02-01-2014 at 09:09 AM. Reason: edit to add

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