Problems with Despondency & Missing the Past

[ObtainGnosis]

I'm 28 years old and I'm already disillusioned with life. I don't like my career options. I don't like the work world. I don't like the people that I meet in the street, and their dumb talk, and their grasping at futilities. I don't seem to derive much pleasure from the things that used to sustain me. I have trouble making new friends. I don't read or write much anymore. I miss the past. I miss parts of my life that I've already lived well, times when there was a lot more freedom and promise and novelty. I don't like what time and age does to people. It doesn't seem to have impacted myself or my lifelong friends in a positive way. My mind is already not as sharp. I'm uninspired and afraid of adventure. I don't like what I'm doing with my time, but I also don't know what else to do. I feel disconnected from what's important to me. I would look to others for help, but everyone in this culture seems to be suffering from the same the diseases, and their answer to life is to spend all of their free time at the bar. I feel like I've lived my life for the last 3 years in a social climate, that while being friendly to me, is completely unsatisfying to me--people of far less intelligence and depth, people who just want to live at the bar and get by. I've had no one who is inspirational to me in my life for some time. I miss being in academia and I don't know how to make it work without trapping myself in debt. I feel stuck/have felt stuck for some time. I can't get decent work for any serious length of time. I'm still financially dependent on my family. All I want is a bottom-rung job that will give me enough money to support myself, to rent my own house, to have a health plan that covers therapy, to go to a festival or travel once a year, to afford classes and meditation retreats, here and there--what doesn't amount to a helluvalot money for a single person with no kids or debt--but I can't even seem to shake that out. I don't understand the logic of the work world. You can't get a job without experience, few offer training, and without opportunities, you can't get experience to begin with. Plus, you work under people who do have these jobs and you realize they're borderline retarded.

Is it weird to be as young as 28, and already missing the past and feeling like the better part of your life is over, and now you just want to die slowly and peacefully?

Am I wrong to be so pessimistic about adulthood? Western society seems like an invitation to waste my life.

[99Problems]

But now you have access to affordable health care right? You know what you need? Hard manual labor satisfying work, there is something about it that settles the mind, even though it's mostly mindless. I don't know how old you are but if you are mid twenties or more and financially dependent on your family shame on you. You need to start pulling all your own weight. Man up, it feels good.

[ObtainGnosis]

You know what you need? Hard manual labor satisfying work, there is something about it that settles the mind, even though it's mostly mindless.

I'm a landscaper and groundsworker for the university and I used to be a mover. But neither of these have proved ultimately reliable in supporting myself. I'm educated working poor.

[99Problems]

I'm a landscaper and groundsworker for the university and I used to be a mover. But neither of these have proved ultimately reliable in supporting myself. I'm educated working poor.

There is no opportunity in Asheville for a young guy is there? That is at least half your problem.

I know a little about the area as I worked as a high-end carpenter in Boone for a while.

[stuck]

That's a lot of stuff. Just wanted to say I read it all. My thoughts:

1. pick your shots
2. chip away at something small on that list of grievances
3. try to see life as an adventure

[99Problems]

I'm a landscaper and groundsworker for the university and I used to be a mover. But neither of these have proved ultimately reliable in supporting myself.

Also, that is bottom of the food chain work. If you want to move up the ladder in manual labor get yourself into construction. Yes it can be brutal but there is at least decent money down the road. I don't know the state of affairs in NC, if much building is going on.

[ObtainGnosis]

There is no opportunity in Asheville for a young guy is there? That is at least half your problem.

Correct. I'm actually better compensated for what I do than most people my age that I know in town, as most people work in hospitality, retail, or food-service. I really don't know how some people make it work here, as many of them don't have the safety net that I have.

I'm trying to get hired on permanently as a state employee for the job that I've already been doing for 10 months and I'm having to compete to be a goddamn groundskeeper when I already am one. Truly, I feel like I'm slipping through the cracks. I have a 90%tile verbal intelligence/analytical thinking skills, good writing skills, and some niche scholarly knowledge, but I have chronic problems with depression/shyness/confidence that hold me back. I avoid certain activities because of the social phobia that surrounds them and I just don't believe that anyone is willing to give me a chance in something that would suit me.

Another problem is that I have a really difficult time pretending to be square. I find it extraordinarily taxing to micromanage other peoples' perceptions of me. Because the truth of the matter is that I don't believe in the working-class lifestyle. Mankind didn't evolve working 40 hours a week. I actually don't think it's psychologically healthy. I think it dulls the mind and pulls you into the herd. What I should be doing is working hard on creating something that is an expression of me, but my discipline is shit and I'm not proficient in any medium.

...I seem to be discussing 99 problems with 99Problems.

[Thevenin]

I've been to Asheville. Other places offer more promise. If you're willing to relocate, send out at least 1,000 cover letters and CV's to individuals in companies and other organizations that would benefit from your skills. Do your research and don't limit yourself, geographically. This is the law of large numbers and it always works...always. If not a 1,000, 2,000. If you apply for jobs online the way everyone else does, you're in the same box with everyone else and you submit yourself to an algorithm and you lose. People do business with people, so send your stuff to real people. Use several different cover letters and CV's customized to the specific industry/organization you are considering. Then follow up with snail mail 3-6 weeks later--it's worth the stamps. This is all easy using computers and email. Also, if you're adventurous, consider applying to the World Bank, the UN, the IMF, US Govt. civil service jobs, or take the foreign service exam. Get out of your cocoon and go for it. Just do it. (And, I do mean 1,000 or more). This is all basic marketing and it doesn't matter whether you are marketing yourself or marketing things like products or patents (which I've done to my benefit). Do it--it works.

[skip]

Some of it is 20s angst, which you'll grow out of, but some of it isn't. You seem to limit your dreams quite a lot, which I don't quite understand.

Also, you need to volunteer regularly (weekly) in some capacity where you personally give of yourself to others who are less fortunate. Difficult as that sounds, it will address and resolve most of the issues outlined in your posts in this thread.

[99Problems]

Correct. I'm actually better compensated for what I do than most people my age that I know in town, as most people work in hospitality, retail, or food-service. I really don't know how some people make it work here, as many of them don't have the safety net that I have.

I'm trying to get hired on permanently as a state employee for the job that I've already been doing for 10 months and I'm having to compete to be a goddamn groundskeeper when I already am one. Truly, I feel like I'm slipping through the cracks. I have a 90%tile verbal intelligence/analytical thinking skills, good writing skills, and some niche scholarly knowledge, but I have chronic problems with depression/shyness/confidence that hold me back. I avoid certain activities because of the social phobia that surrounds them and I just don't believe that anyone is willing to give me a chance in something that would suit me.

Another problem is that I have a really difficult time pretending to be square. I find it extraordinarily taxing to micromanage other peoples' perceptions of me. Because the truth of the matter is that I don't believe in the working-class lifestyle. Mankind didn't evolve working 40 hours a week. I actually don't think it's psychologically healthy. I think it dulls the mind and pulls you into the herd. What I should be doing is working hard on creating something that is an expression of me, but my discipline is shit and I'm not proficient in any medium.

...I seem to be discussing 99 problems with 99Problems*.

*I hope a bitch aint one. I kind of understand where you're at. I grew up shy, depressed and in an area with less opportunity than Ashville. I bummed around from dead-end job to dead job until I was 20 and left the state (central Idaho). I moved to California and stayed with some people I knew for a few months and then headed east with no particular place in mind. I have lived a lot of places and have gotten pretty good at picking places to go and landing on my feet. 30 years of mainly work involving my hands/back hasn't killed my mind so I doubt yours will bust either. But I hear you, you need to find something. You gotta go find it, it won't come to you unless you're one of the lucky people. There is only one way to build true confidence, taking risks and accomplishing things. Settling really sucks and what kind of stories will you have to tell when you're sitting in a rocking chair some day?