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Thread: Osito Brings You the Bible

  1. #1
    Tawaci ki a Gnaska ki Osito Polar's Avatar
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    Osito Brings You the Bible

    Here's a link to Bible Gateway, the site I tend to use for Bible stuff.

    Young’s Literal Translation of the Bible
    http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...r=3&version=15

    Genesis 1: the Bible’s Creation Myth


    “In the beginning of God's preparing the heavens and the earth -- the earth hath existed waste and void, and darkness is on the face of the deep, and the Spirit of God fluttering on the face of the waters, and God saith, `Let light be;' and light is.”

    So, God creates light, then he establishes that light makes day, and darkness night. At this point, there was the first day/night cycle over the empty waters. On the second day, he creates an expanse in the midst of the waters. He decides that the expanse is called “Heavens” (ie: the sky). Then, the waters under the Heavens were collected in one place so there was also dry land which he called Earth.

    God saw it, and it was good. He did this several times in the passage, which makes me wonder if God had self-esteem issues about creating the universe.

    After that, he spread around grass, herbs, and fruit. On the third day, he created the sun and the moon. Which begs the question of how there was day and night without them, and why all the plants didn’t die without a sun. Also, without a source of heat why wasn’t the water actually ice? Genesis is mum on these points.


    Then, on the fourth day to make things a little more interesting, God creates critters. He starts out with fish and birds. Then he created “great monsters” and “every living thing that is creeping”. Hey, he did. I didn’t make this up. Then he blesses his great monsters, but not fish or birds or creeping things because he liked them less.


    On the fifth day, God created cattle (specifically), and every thing that lives on the land. After that, God said “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness, and let them rule over fish of the sea, and over fowl of the heavens, and over cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that is creeping on the earth.” Yes, God talks to himself and addresses himself as a capitalized plural noun(1). Anyway, then he goes ahead and creates man and woman.

    Genesis 1 ends with the dawn of the sixth day.

    (1) -- Why is that? I've heard a number of different opinions on this subject, but I have no idea which might be correct. I've heard that God was addressing himself as a plural entity because he's speaking to himself as the Holy Trinity. I've also heard that this passage could be a remnant from an earlier time in Jewish history whey might have still been fuzzy on the whole monotheism concept they're such fans of today. This linguistic tidbit appears in Genesis 1:26, 3:22 and 11:7


    Genesis 2: Creation Myth Part Deux


    So, on the sixth day God finishes up. He takes a break on the seventh day, and blesses it.


    In Genesis 2:5-6 there’s kind of a weird passage that lets us know that while God had created everything, stuff wasn’t necessarily in action during creation. He put everything on pause until the first rainfall. After chilling out for a bit, God made it rain. At this point, it was like he hit “play” on the streaming video of our universe.

    And … at this point, apparently God hadn’t read Genesis 1, so he created man again. This time he didn’t create man and woman at the same time. Instead he created the first dude. The next bit is basically just a second creation myth about how God goes around building rivers and shit. He already did all this in Genesis 1, but Genesis 2 seems sketchy on the details of Genesis 1.

    He creates trees again, including the Tree of Life which is in the middle of Eden. There are some talks about him naming different things, a separate process than creating them.

    First man gets appointed gardener of Eden. He’s told to eat from all the trees but the Tree of Life because that would give him knowledge of good and evil, which apparently God wouldn’t be groovy with. He wants this poor bastard to be an amoral sociopath alone in a garden.

    Next God starts auditioning animals to be the sociopath gardener’s helper/companion. The gardener starts out by auditioning cattle and a bunch of birds. Despite being totally amoral, he doesn’t develop a taste for bestiality or whatever so God waits until he’s asleep, helps himself to one of the first man’s ribs, and turns it into a woman. Note that this guy was able to sleep through a rib removal surgery.

    At the end of Genesis 2, God presents the first woman to the first man, totally naked, and we learn that he likes the woman better than a cow or a bird. Thank you, Bible writers. Anything else would have been awkward. He says “This is the right step! Bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh! It will be called “woman” for from a man has this been taken.” The first man wasn’t much of a romantic.

    Note about stuff that’s NOT in this passage – the first man and woman are not given names in this part of the text. Also, if I’d been writing this dogs would have at least been in the running for man’s best friend. They’d definitely have been ahead of cattle or birds, but they’re not even mentioned. It would have been cool if Adam tried out having a hurdy-gurdy playing helper monkey. It would have been a good buddy picture like Ronald Reagan in that one old movie.
    "I don't have psychological problems." --Madrigal

    "When you write about shooting Polemarch in the head, that's more like a first-person view, like you're there looking down the sight of the gun." --Utisz

    David Wong, regarding Chicago
    Six centuries ago, the pre-Colombian natives who settled here named this region with a word which in their language means "the Mouth of Shadow". Later, the Iroquois who showed up and inexplicably slaughtered every man, woman and child renamed it "Seriously, Fuck that Place". When French explorer Jacques Marquette passed through the area he marked his map with a drawing of a brownish blob emerging from between the Devil's buttocks.

  2. #2
    gryffindor Hermione's Avatar
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    Let's skip to the part where the geeks shall inherit the earth. I'm getting tired of waiting so long.
    All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage. Mycroft Holmes

    I am not programmed to harm human beings. Baymax

  3. #3
    Shiny and New Charde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hermione View Post


    Let's skip to the part where the geeks shall inherit the earth. I'm getting tired of waiting so long.
    I didn't think that happened until the Final War between God and Satan after the Anti-Christ and four horsemen; and lo, there was a new heaven and a new earth [and the geeks shall be in charge].

  4. #4
    gryffindor Hermione's Avatar
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    So, we just play video games and punish the wicked until then? I can do that.
    All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage. Mycroft Holmes

    I am not programmed to harm human beings. Baymax

  5. #5
    Tawaci ki a Gnaska ki Osito Polar's Avatar
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    Okay, that's a lot of chatter from you two. This is a Bible thread and if you're paying attention, God doesn't like chatty dames. Be careful or if he's reading this thread he might curse you with a painful rash or turn you into a pile of salt or something. I haven't read too far ahead yet, but I think he sometimes does stuff like that. The God character in this is sort of a misogynistic jerk.
    "I don't have psychological problems." --Madrigal

    "When you write about shooting Polemarch in the head, that's more like a first-person view, like you're there looking down the sight of the gun." --Utisz

    David Wong, regarding Chicago
    Six centuries ago, the pre-Colombian natives who settled here named this region with a word which in their language means "the Mouth of Shadow". Later, the Iroquois who showed up and inexplicably slaughtered every man, woman and child renamed it "Seriously, Fuck that Place". When French explorer Jacques Marquette passed through the area he marked his map with a drawing of a brownish blob emerging from between the Devil's buttocks.

  6. #6
    gryffindor Hermione's Avatar
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    No no. He put Mary Magdelene in charge, but none of the men would listen well enough. So she quit.
    All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage. Mycroft Holmes

    I am not programmed to harm human beings. Baymax

  7. #7
    libertine librarian sandwitch's Avatar
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    Does this version include the war between the sons of light and sons of darkness?

  8. #8
    Tawaci ki a Gnaska ki Osito Polar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sandwitch View Post
    Does this version include the war between the sons of light and sons of darkness?
    It might. That's actually not in the main narrative of the Bible, it's in the apocrypha but I'll totally include excursions into well-known Biblical stories that a lot of people think are part of the Bible. I'll probably include for sure some of the Book of Jubilee and the Conflict of Adam and Eve with Satan. I think you're thinking of the story that's in the Book of Enoch and the Book of Giants.

    Quote Originally Posted by Summary of the Book of Giants
    The Book of Giants tells the story of those demons who were chained up by the Living Spirit, assisted by his seven sons, in the seven lower firmaments of the sky, and of whom two hundred had been able to free themselves and return to earth. Here the human race had already spread, and it was the period of the apostle Enoch. The demons, traditionally called “guardians”, subjugated humanity and established a tyrannical rule of terror, and, with the daughters of mankind, they begot a race of giants.
    Sometimes the Giants were called the nephilim.
    "I don't have psychological problems." --Madrigal

    "When you write about shooting Polemarch in the head, that's more like a first-person view, like you're there looking down the sight of the gun." --Utisz

    David Wong, regarding Chicago
    Six centuries ago, the pre-Colombian natives who settled here named this region with a word which in their language means "the Mouth of Shadow". Later, the Iroquois who showed up and inexplicably slaughtered every man, woman and child renamed it "Seriously, Fuck that Place". When French explorer Jacques Marquette passed through the area he marked his map with a drawing of a brownish blob emerging from between the Devil's buttocks.

  9. #9
    libertine librarian sandwitch's Avatar
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    Nah, bro, it's the war scroll! You can read the original here. I would, but my biblical hebrew's gotten rusty.

  10. #10
    Shiny and New Charde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hermione View Post
    No no. He put Mary Magdelene in charge, but none of the men would listen well enough. So she quit.
    Oh Mary, did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water?

    EDIT: Oh wait, wrong Mary.
    Too many Marys.
    Too many Johns.

    Then again, there will only be one Nimrod.

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