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Thread: How many friends do you have...

  1. #31
    New Member Autumn's Avatar
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    I have 0 friends. But it's ok.

  2. #32
    Senior Member jyng1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Madrigal View Post
    I'm sure you did the math and figured it would be cheaper to leave your car at the airport for two months than to take a taxi, but this story is definitely NOT an example of when to ask for a ride.
    Probably more of an example of when you'd ask a "friend" for a ride than when you could just spend $20 on a taxi.

  3. #33
    TJ TeresaJ's Avatar
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    I would definitely offer a friend a ride if they were leaving for an extended trip, like when a good friend of mine was being deployed for a year.

    The situation has never actually come up, though, except where the man is concerned. Part of it is that we live beyond the reach of Uber and taxis, but regardless I think he would probably feel a bit insulted if he had to make his own way.

    I think this also has to do with his conception of time and planning. In his main social network, which consists mostly of Indian engineers and business people, everyone is almost always in this total grey area between personal life and work. They take all calls at all times. They hate to make plans and whatever plans they do have are forever liable to change. Instead of, say, I dunno, booking an international flight well in advance and making all arrangements with no fuss, no muss, everything is left until the last minute, endless phone calls are made, favors are asked, accommodations are made. Part and parcel of this is the concept that you can never say an outright No to anyone.

    Like, if you took care of your own business and planned your life to the extent that you would be able to say definitively, yes I am available at that time but no, I am not available at this time... That would be the mark of a cold, overly self-concerned person.*

    Depending on how much this accommodates or detonates by own plans (which I like to be set in stone, for the most part) the whole business is either fascinating or infuriating.

    *Eg me. This used to drive him totally nuts, but now he's pretty much resigned to my "quirks."

    Actually nothing makes him happier than being called upon to make shit happen so that he help someone out....Maybe it's also an ISFJ thing.

  4. #34
    Hasta Siempre Madrigal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Autumn View Post
    I have 0 friends. But it's ok.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hephaestus View Post
    Heh. We've been here years now.

  5. #35
    Homo siderius Sistamatic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TeresaJ View Post
    I would definitely offer a friend a ride if they were leaving for an extended trip, like when a good friend of mine was being deployed for a year.

    The situation has never actually come up, though, except where the man is concerned. Part of it is that we live beyond the reach of Uber and taxis, but regardless I think he would probably feel a bit insulted if he had to make his own way.

    I think this also has to do with his conception of time and planning. In his main social network, which consists mostly of Indian engineers and business people, everyone is almost always in this total grey area between personal life and work. They take all calls at all times. They hate to make plans and whatever plans they do have are forever liable to change. Instead of, say, I dunno, booking an international flight well in advance and making all arrangements with no fuss, no muss, everything is left until the last minute, endless phone calls are made, favors are asked, accommodations are made. Part and parcel of this is the concept that you can never say an outright No to anyone.

    Like, if you took care of your own business and planned your life to the extent that you would be able to say definitively, yes I am available at that time but no, I am not available at this time... That would be the mark of a cold, overly self-concerned person.*

    Depending on how much this accommodates or detonates by own plans (which I like to be set in stone, for the most part) the whole business is either fascinating or infuriating.

    *Eg me. This used to drive him totally nuts, but now he's pretty much resigned to my "quirks."

    Actually nothing makes him happier than being called upon to make shit happen so that he help someone out....Maybe it's also an ISFJ thing.

    I used to just do things for people whenever they asked. It did not make for good friendships. It led to a lot of people leaning way too heavily on me and I got to the point where every time my phone rang, I felt like I wanted to move to Siberia and change my name. And maybe the fact that I don't ask people to do anything for me if I can find a way to do it myself is the problem, but that's who I am. I can't have a bunch of needy people in my life because the energy will always flow in one direction. It was right after I had a come to jesus talk with the worst offenders that I suddenly had time to become a novelist. It's no secret that the reason rich people are able to accomplish so much is that they can pay others to do everything non-intellectual for them. Hell they don't even have to plan things. A rich exec who retired from a storied career recently told me that he doesn't even know how to book a flight, and now that he's retired, he's looking at having to hire someone to do what his executive assistant always did because he hasn't got a clue how to do anything except make big decisions that other people have to figure out how to implement.

    I guess the point is that being inefficient with one's own time is fine. Being inefficient with someone else's time costs them in terms of their life potential, especially if you are a large part of that person's life. Being surrounded by a tribe of needy inefficient people who are afraid to try to do anything themselves without me holding their hands is a hell I'm never going back to. And all I had to do to get out of it was stop saying yes. Easier said than done, because I'm a nice person, but after a while people stopped asking me to do shit for them. They still call to ask me how to do things, but I never offer to just come do it for them...not even if it would be easier. After several years of not using me as a crutch, my worst offender is one of the handiest and most independent people ever. I mean with youtube out there, all you really need to do things yourself is the balls to try, right? Turns out I wasn't doing him any favors at all. Ha, now he's having to do everything for his new inlaws and I'm laughing my ass off.
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  6. #36
    unbeknownst Lilith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spartan26 View Post

    Had a discussion with an friend of mine, 99% sure an ENTJ, who said she "Didn't really have any friends she could call to ask to give her a ride to the airport."
    She probably like you enough she doesn't want to inconvenience you.

    How big of a deal is it for you?
    Depends on how far the drop off/pick up. If it's less than an hour and I have time, sure no biggie. If it's like 4-8 hrs, it's a big ask and I'm definitely going to reconsider why my friend is even asking me this favor. I have things to take care of that I can't just drop off.

    However, if the friend is going to see/visit me, I'd definitely make time to pick them up and drop them off. Given I was notified way ahead of time. It would be nice to think my friend would do the same but it'll be perfectly fine if they can't make it. I'll manage.

  7. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by TeresaJ View Post
    One big difference between the man and myself - and I think this is a cultural thing - he is far more willing to ask for favors, and expects to be asked for favors - rather than relying solely on his own resources and expecting others to do the same.

    It's like that early adulthood, building connections phase never ends. But that's normal in his group.
    I was thinking about this the other day. There's this engineer that I work with who is Indian. She always asks people to do things for her. Things she can just as easily do herself. For example, she had to write a technical document about a test method. I had just written the same kind of document for my test method, and her document was pretty much going to mimic mine in terms of sample size, statistical methods, etc, just with a different test and different data. So I told her she should just look my document up in the system and use it as a template. And she's like "oh, could you just send it to me". And I'm like "it's in the system, just go in the system and download it". And she's like, "just send it to me". Me: "well, I would just have to get it off the system myself and send it to you". And of course she's like "ok, so just get if off the system and send it to me."

    Would you also like me to print it out, walk over to your cube, and read it to you, you lazy cunt? I never sent it to her.

    She annoys the everloving fuck out of everyone by trying to give them action items to do simple things that she should be able to do herself. Half the engineers think she's an idiot who doesn't know how to do shit, and the other half think she's just a lazy leech. Except for the other Indian engineers, who seem to have no problem with her. I avoid her like the plague.

  8. #38
    Senior Member roki's Avatar
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    She's taking the principle of the Ben Franklin effect to the extreme

    At my old job, we had to do quarterly active shooter training, and I didn't retain any of it except for its slogan of "Avoid. Deny. Defend," which is a nifty escalation procedure for dealing with awful coworkers

  9. #39
    Senior Member Limes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by roki View Post
    She's taking the principle of the Ben Franklin effect to the extreme

    At my old job, we had to do quarterly active shooter training, and I didn't retain any of it except for its slogan of "Avoid. Deny. Defend," which is a nifty escalation procedure for dealing with awful coworkers
    I heard that it helps to repeatedly scream out your own name in those situations, in order to humanize yourself.

  10. #40
    Senior Member Spartan26's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jigglypuff View Post
    2) we appreciate our friends so much that if they do offer, we refuse out of politeness and consideration for their time.
    Nowhere did I ask what would you do if your friend offered to give you a ride to the airport.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lilith View Post
    She probably like you enough she doesn't want to inconvenience you.
    Thanks. I actually did end up giving her a ride. It was insanely busy. She opted, insisted really, to get out and walk about a mile so I could turn and not get stuck even longer in the loop around the terminals. It was a pleasant conversation and much cheaper than going to a bar or restaurant. Although the INTP-ENTJ volley exchange is really enhanced after she's had a few drinks and I can provide alternative takes to her previously firmly held POVs. She's had other people drop her off before but it's been as I've done where they'd go out to dinner and then drop her off after. I don't know if she asked or if others have offered in those cases?? I'm not sure how often that's happened. From what I know about her, she prolly doesn't take more than a couple of trips a year. I don't know who's done this for her in the past or why she didn't/couldn't call them now. I'd say it could be one of those vulnerable moments that lead to deeper friendships but I still feel myself being pretty guarded.

    We're definitely different people, though. One of the things we discussed was networking styles. She's much more outgoing than I am. When I picked her up, she was sending out some follow-up emails from some industry party she went to the night before. If I host something or we just hang out, she'll always send a note the next day thanking me. Which is nice but most of my friends don't. It'd be more likely that a female friend would. She was mentioning knowing someone 2-3 years before asking someone to read something. Which is the ultimate ask. A lot of people are trying to get you to see their band, come to a performance they're in, listen to their demo, watch their reel, just like aggressive panhandlers, but like reading a script is akin to requesting a bone graph. She'll get info on 3-4 people per event on ave, I'm lucky to get one. Two is a great night. But usually my close is asking if they'd have time to read something or if I could shoot them a note about something related I'm working on. I prefer to be upfront. They're generally upfront about time restraints or may give some bs legal reason, which I get, but it's also an out. Not singling her out but to me it adds to the surplus fake population if people are just being nice to someone so down the road when they need or want something they can ask.

    Anyway, sidetracking. She was really inquisitive about my upcoming travel and wanted to pick me up when I return, which I thought was nice but not why I did it. I think it's important that relationships be balanced, though I do have some people who've talked my ear off more than when I've needed input. I'm not really a karma guy but do feel like I've had blessings fall on me that weren't directly related to anything I had done to someone. [/cheese]

    I'm also OK with saying "no."

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