I had a talk with my mom tonight, because she said she was worried about me. My ancestry is Irish, which gives me a high chance for alcoholism.
However, I hate to be truly *drunk*. I get there sometimes, when I go out for a long night, but otherwise, I try to limit myself.
But, I drink often. I drink to make other people understand me. When I am sober, I have a very small group of people that understand me. If I try to explain my ideas to other people, they give me a blank stare. They cannot understand what I am saying, no matter if I say it correctly or not.
It is so strange...I have no ability to respond to people in clever, thoughtful ways when I am sober. I stumble, mumble, say incorrect things (and I know they are incorrect right after I say it), and act uncomfortable when I am sober. I do this because I know that what I am saying is too confusing for most people, due to previous experiences, and I cannot figure out a way to go to the level of a normal person.
However, if I drink, I can take my ideas, and relate them in a way that normal people understand. Every successful business idea I've had has been explained when I had been drinking. Most of the relationships I have had were started when I was drinking. Everyone loves me, and thinks I am so intelligent, interesting, and fun when I am drinking...but I cannot maintain the same persona when I am sober. Why does this have to be? Why do I have to drink to speak normally? I just don't get it.
I hate this. I love to drink, because it is fun in general, but I wish this could limit it more without giving up having a legitimate social life. I wish I did't have to use a chemical to dumb myself down to connect with people. It pisses me off, and makes me sad.
*Drunk - unable to keep myself upright without wobbling, or unable to walk in a straight line.
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